Tools Get Much Needed iPhone Tool

When you run (or read) a blog as popular as this one, you're gonna have ladies throwin' theyselves at you left and right. Luckily, some enterprising misogynist has created an iPhone app that will help readers of ComedyandPolitics keep their ladies straight.

Here's the product description, from the website. [ed: Providing link for verification purposes. Don't buy this app.]

Welcome to the famous "The Amazing Girlfriend Manager"!

With this application you can improve your relationships by applying concepts of CRM (Customer Relationship Management) on your girlfriends. Think about your girlfriend as a client! What information and tools you need to improve your relationship? This application is the answer.

Features of this application:
- Allows you to manage multiple girlfriends at the same time (not recommended for moral reasons)
- You can assign a rating for each girl
- Stores personal information, preferences, sizes of clothing, notes and other data for each girl

For each girl you can register:
- Gifts given and received, cost and rating
- Dates, location, cost and rating
- Special dates (first date, first kiss, first trip together, bla bla bla…)

Benefits that this application can bring to you:
- Don’t make mistakes. Check the measurements of the girl before you buy a new pair of shoes or clothing
- Be creative. Do not repeat gifts
- Be more creative. Avoid always going to the same places with the same girl
- Be attentive. Do not forget your special dates
- Be healthy. Do not mix information from two girls
- Be the master. Show to your friends your long list of girls
- Be selective. Through the analysis of ratings and cost of dates and gifts, you can keep only the girls with the best cost-benefit

WARNING: For your own safety, under any circumstances, do not let your girlfriend access this application

Hahahaha WOMEN ARE COMMODITIES!

Froomkin Throws A Middle Finger Up, Says See Y'all In A Few Weeks

Dan Froomkin's recent firing from the Washington Post resulted in a huge (and much deserved) backlash from the blogosphere.

The Post published his last column today, which includes this fantastic line:

Hopefully, the next time the nation faces a grave national security crisis, we will listen to the people who were right, not the people who were wrong, and heed those who reported the truth, not those who served as stenographers to liars.

Wherever Froomkin eventually lands, take note. He's been one of the best, and we need him to continue to hold Obama accountable. You know, like a journalist.

Wallabies Enter Heroin Phase

I'll pass this story along, because why not. It's a summer Friday afternoon, and these lazy days are fit only for stories of drugged up marsupials. From the BBC:

Australian wallabies are eating opium poppies and creating crop circles as they hop around "as high as a kite", a government official has said.

Lara Giddings, the attorney general for the island state of Tasmania, said the kangaroo-like marsupials were getting into poppy fields grown for medicine.

She was reporting to a parliamentary hearing on security for poppy crops.

Australia supplies about 50% of the world's legally-grown opium used to make morphine and other painkillers.

"The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Lara Giddings told the hearing.

"Then they crash," she added. "We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

I can tell you from personal experience that you don't want to be around when wallabies are coming down from a morphine high. Lots of crying. Lots and lots of crying.

This is the animal kingdom equivalent of doing donuts in the high school parking lot and then sleeping in an opium field.

King Of Pop Meets Iran

Here's your video for today. It covers everything that is happening in the world right now.

Citizen Radio

I recorded a very fun podcast last Saturday afternoon with Jamie Kilstein, Allison Kilkenny, and co-guest Mike Drucker, esquire (probably).

You can listen to it online here, or download it from itunes by searching for Citizen Radio and downloading today's episode. While you're there, subscribe to the show. It's a good one.

The four of us talked for a loooong time, so there will be at least one more part to our conversation, which will air next week.

Drink At Work Video

I was involved in a Drink at Work video that just got posted online, but the computer I'm currently on doesn't have quicktime, so I can't embed it. Here's a link. I haven't seen it yet, so if you watch it tell me if I'm any good in it.

Aged News

This is from a few days ago, but it is an absolute must watch from The Daily Show.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
End Times
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Newt Gingrich Unedited Interview

David Angelo Radio

For anyone who's interested, I'll be on the David Angelo Radio program tonight. Listen live, or download it later, here.

What Does Internet Mean To You?

Old video, via Wonkette. Favorite part: the reporter doesn't use the definitive article "the" before "internet," so it sounds like he's talking about some robot named "Internet."

Watch and wonder.

KATG

For anyone who's interested, I'll be on Keith and the Girl tonight at 7pm. You can listen live at their web site www.katg.com, or download the podcast later tonight from the same place. It's always a fun time over there, so do tune in if you have a chance.

Conservatives Ruin Something In New, Profoundly Upsetting Way

If you're anything like me, you've been waiting for two white guys to rap about how awesome conservative ideology is.

Oh, you're not like me? You say no one is? You say no one has ever been or will ever be waiting for conservative rap?

You're probably right.

Presented below without comment--because, really, these guys say more than enough themselves--is The Young Cons, "rapping" their song "Young Con Anthem." Everyone (so far) seems to think that this is real, so who am I to say that anything this grotesque when taken at face-value must be a brilliant parody.

If it's real, it's embarrassing to every group even tangentially associated with it--conservatives, religious folk, rappers, white people, men, people who own or use video cameras, anybody who has ever spoken into a microphone for any reason, etc. If it's fake, it is absolute genius. [via TPM]

Lawmaker Really Knocked This One Out Of The Park

John Culberson (R-TX) recently addressed Texan high school kids, but was stumped by a question about gay rights. He proceeded to make a fool of himself when asked how he can reconcile his "libertarian" and "states-rights" views while simultaneously advocating for a federal ban on same-sex marriage. Here's a snippet [click through to see the incoherent video]:

However, when a student asked Culberson about state control over gay marriage, Culberson rapidly descended into incoherence. He began by declaring, “It’s up to the states.” But by the end of his rambling answer, he tried to explain why the federal government “cannot permit” a state like Vermont to make its own rules. All this while repeating that people’s “privacy is fundamental”:

CULBERSON: Well under the 10th amendment, the states have a first responsibility for providing for public safety, public health, public morality. All issues that just affect the people within that state. It’s up to the states. And you either follow the constitution or you don’t. [...]

Federal law cannot permit — if one state, Vermont, wants to do that, you can’t let that cross state lines. You’ve got to let — frankly, a lot of these issues have got to be left up to the states. But the federal government cannot permit for example — The federal government has a legitimate role in interstate commerce. And that’s where the federal government comes in. I think the federal government can’t recognize — shouldn’t recognize it, it’s just a bad idea. And uh — But fundamentally, the right of privacy’s fundamental. I’m not interested — what people do at home’s their own business.

In Which I Predict the Sad Future

Here's a headline I posted on this blog a few days ago:

US Investment Bankers Sent To China In Covert Plan To Destroy China

And here's a headline from today's New York Post:

CIA IS BULLISH ON WALL ST. INSIDER $POOKS

THE CIA IS READING MY BLOG AND MAKING POLICY BASED ON IT!

No Webby For Sad Repub

The video below is truly one of the saddest clips you'll ever see. In it, Rep. Tom Price, the head of the Republican Study Group--which, in all seriousness, is one intern sitting at an old Dell PC twittering "waht shood we doo guyz?"-- claims that because Barack Obama paid lip-service to "not standing with hedge funds," we should all pee our short pants in terror.

Judging by the odd edits and stuttering, the "director" got fed up after 147 takes and said, "fuck it, we'll fix it in post." In this case, that means putting a horrible blue title at the end.

Gibbs Explains Context, Which Really Shouldn't Have To Happen

The job of the White House Press Secretary--currently Robert Gibbs--is to lie to reporters and conceal information in the slickest way possible. I find Gibbs generally disagreeable for this reason and this reason alone. In the clip below, though, he comes across as an adult who understands that the context in which a statement is made is very important. The journalist asking the question, on the other hand, comes across like the winner of a reality TV show where the prize is getting to ask stupid questions to that man in front of the prezidant's sealy thing.

The idiotic question this idiot asks is "why did La Sonia JustICE accurately describe the difference between appellate and circuit courts on that youtube clip?" but he asks it like an idiot and totally misses the point. Gibbs then explains that youtube shouldn't determine who is on the Supreme Court.


I love his follow up question, which is essentially, "but what if everybody is as stupid and shallow as I am?"

The Enemy Laughs

The National Review's blog, The Corner, linked to my Onion headline. I don't want to read too much into this, but I will say that I don't particularly care for it.

I can't remember exactly what I've written about The Corner on this blog in the past, but I've probably called them xenophobic war-mongering bigots--or, if I haven't before, now I have.

Maybe they have a sense of humor? That seems unlikely. Need to process this unlikeliest turn of events.

New Onion Headline

In Attempt To Jump-Start Economy, Obama Declares Tuesdays Ladies' Night

The rest of the story is here.

Gov. Leaders Cream Jeans Over Speed Reader

This video makes no sense and proves once and for all that Washington is a horrible place full of ass clowns. Apparently Joe Barton (R-TX) and Henry Waxman (D-CA) are in some sort of geographically-close to Mexican standoff, and instead of dueling like American gentlemen, they hired some boob to read a piece of paper very quickly.

When said boob began speaking rapidly, everyone in DC stopped what they were doing and giggled like children watching the Micro Machines commercial.

To the Obama Apologists

To anybody curious about whether or not we are a nation of laws, a nation that believes that felonies committed by those at the highest levels of government deserve to be prosecuted, I suggest taking a look at this blog post from Gawker. The writer describes a "secret meeting" that happened between Obama and his top advisers and leaders from human rights and civil liberties groups, and reads, in part:

"The purpose of the meeting seems pretty clear—-Obama and company, according to Isikoff, reached out to the leaders of the various groups present and basically said, "Ok, what do we need to do to make you people happy so this will all go away." In fact, Isikoff quoted Obama as saying something along the lines of "(Attorney General) Holder is having to spend way too much time on this." The leaders of the groups present floated the idea that Obama should appoint some sort of "truth commission" to investigate everything fully, thereby taking the burden off of Holder and the Justice Department, but Obama shot that idea down, going on to say that he was "firmly against" any sort of investigatory committee."

It should go without saying that Obama is better than Bush, or McCain, but that in and of itself doesn't excuse his advancement of policies that are in direct opposition to the platform he ran on, and in direct opposition to the policies advocated by the majority of his constituents. Either the law is the law, and those who, in bad faith, provided bogus legal cover for torture--thereby breaking domestic and international law--deserve to be prosecuted, or they don't. And if our elected leaders decide that criminal behavior at the top levels of government doesn't deserve to be investigated and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, then we are simply not a functioning democracy.

(One could, and should, argue that there are multiple ways in which we are not a healthy, functioning democracy. This is just one of them.)

Obama's lofty rhetoric today at his press conference is fine and good, but without concrete action--such as prosecutions--that would punish past law breakers and deter future ones, we as a country are living in a fantasy world, placated by promises of past and future greatness, wrapped tightly in our blanket of exceptionalism. Without investigations and consequences for unlawful behavior, what good is rhetoric?

Regardless of whether these investigations would "take up valuable time" that could be used to fix other domestic and international problems, or if they would "stir up more partisan rancor" (a phrase I find reprehensible--as though there is too much opposition in Washington), or if they would somehow "hurt the troops," if we as a country believe in the law, then its full force should be brought down on those government and military leaders who broke it. All of the justifications for why we should "move on" are simply apologies for murderers and criminals. Those who advance those apologies will, eventually and correctly, be considered criminals themselves.

One last quote from the article:

"At one point, one of the group leaders took a shot at Obama, saying that he was "allowing President Bush's policies to become his own." According to Isikoff, this pissed Obama off greatly, to the point where he was visibly shaken by the comment, "demonstrably not pleased" according to Maddow."

If Obama doesn't want to be associated with those policies, there are clear and decisive actions he can take. Those actions also have the happy coincidence of being Constitutionally obligated. It would be fantastic if that, and that alone, was a strong enough reason to force Obama to act.

The Flow

Friend and comedian Matt Ruby writes a comedy blog called Sandpaper Suit that I enjoy reading very much. His latest post is about getting in the zone on stage, and well worth reading regardless of whether or not you are a comedian.