John McCain Unsure How John McCain Became Frontrunner

(AP) TEMPE, AZ- In what key staffers are calling a “serious mindfuck[ing]” turn of events, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has become the presumptive presidential front runner for the Republican party. “We were fucked. We were so fucked,” said Tom Gordon, an Assistant Campaign Manager, describing the campaign last summer. “Did you see how far we were up shit creek? Jesus Christ! I mean we were fucked!” Gordon continued.

Mr. McCain himself fared little better in attempting to explain his recent popularity. “I mean, I just don’t…I don’t…see, the thing is—it’s not—it’s not…well the thing is…politics…” McCain said before submerging his head in a bucket of cold water for his daily “make-sure-I’m-not-hallucinating” treatment.

When asked to comment, Cindy McCain, Mr. McCain’s wife, said, “I always believed. I always believed he would never be President. I still kind of believe that.”