San Fransican Republican Hates San Franscico

Oh, I love me some West Coast liberals. San Fransisco Chronicle reports about some people who want to rename their sewage plant after George W. Bush. It's pretty funny, but the chair of the San Fransisco Republican Party isn't happy about this, calling the measure "looney bin direct democracy." That was chapter 14 in my high school civics book.

AP Getting Worried

This rather alarmist headline has been making the Internet rounds, but it's funny enough to post on one more incredibly obsure blog.

"Everything is Seemingly Spinning Out of Control" cries the AP, the usually dry news service. The authors have probably wanted to write that headline for most of their adult lives. I'm just happy that now the world is crazy enough for the AP to let loose.

picked up on huffpo

The baby mama drama piece got picked up on huffpo. Here's the link.

It's the exact same as before, but now you can get there through the huffpo media site. YES!

All this baby mama drama

My new piece on 23/6 is here.

It's dedicated to the mama's mama's.

Validation!

A website called comedy smack sent out one of my jokes today. They have a pretty extensive mailing list.

http://www.comedysmack.com/today/2008/5/29/career-death

The picture they used is from a trip I took with my family to Key West, so I look like a cruise ship comic. I love pina coladas in Key West.

Sound Fix Show tomorrow

Come check out the sweet sweet line up.

We've got

Mark Normand
Sven Wechsler
Claudia Cogan
Charlie Kasov
and one of my favorite improv groups
Loretta

It's gonna be great. Ed Murray and I are co-hosting/producing every week now. This new experiment is the greatest one since the founding of America.

Sound Fix is at Bedford and North 11th. No cover. Cheap drinks. 8pm.

Einstein Thinks He's Better Than God

New 23/6 piece about Einstein's true feelings about religion. No, he was not religious. I know he said, "God doesn't roll dice with the universe." He didn't mean that literally.

These Walls are Paper Thin and Everyone Uses This Lyric as a Reference

There is a profile today on the New York Times' webpage of the infamous McKibbin lofts, which are just 2 blocks from my own loft. My first thought is: why doesn't the Times profile me and my friends? Lousy McKibbin lofts getting all the glory.

It's fun to read about a place that you are familiar with, and this piece is no exception. From the rooms with no doors, to the peeing in the hallway, to the bedbugs, McKibbin is there in all it's glory. The article strikes that important "this is disgusting but I'm kind of envious" tone that is so important for the Times' sophisticated, but also nostalgic, readership. The author, Cara Buckley, writes,

"After the honeymoon stage comes denial when, say, one gets woken up by someone’s band at 3 a.m. or mugged on one of the tough surrounding streets. Next comes anger, usually after someone hurls a 40-ounce beer bottle from the roof and then urinates outside your door. Then comes acceptance and, finally, departure."

This article also falls prey to unnecessary hyperbole. Saying that these lofts "could have been Greenwich Village 60 years ago, or SoHo 30 years ago, or the East Village 10 years ago" is fun to read, but it's a bit of a stretch. If Kings County [the bar in which I overheard the bartender concernedly ask a sobbing woman, "do you need another drink?"] or The Wreck Room become this generation's The Bitter End, I'll eat my shoe. That's not to say there's not a lot going on. There is, clearly, and a lot of it is great, but the changes in New York City and society as a whole over the past 40 years render any analogies to the 60s art scene useless.

One thing that I found interesting about this piece is that it failed to mention anything about the new upscale pizza shop or the 3 [I believe] new storefronts on Bogart St., which, when finished, will complete the transformation of Bogart between Seigel and Moore to a real live Main Street. The arrival of those storefronts cement what everyone knows: the area is gentrifying very quickly and with no end in sight.

This isn't the first profile of the neighborhood, nor will it be the last. There are fun to read, and this one gets a fair amount right, without too much condescension on the one hand, or romanticizing on the other. I'll leave on a quote that I think sums up the area nicely, if again, a bit hyperbolically, "It's insane. It's just insane."

When You're Right...

Today Slate's homepage features what must be one of the most drastically understated headlines in this primary cycle. It reads, "Black Voters Will Not Be Happy if Obama is Denied the Nomination." I should say not. The article, by Michael C. Dawson, which is well worth reading, is here.

The thesis of the piece is that if superdelegates decided the outcome of this race in the mystical "smoke filled room" and give it to Clinton, when the popular vote and pledged delegate count are in clear favor of Obama, African Americans will rightly feel marginalized, dispirited, and angry. Dawson's prediction is that the

"already worrying statistic of 79 percent of blacks who believe that racial equality for blacks will either not be achieved in their lifetime or at all in the U.S. will jump to an even larger percentage..."

It's difficult to imagine anything other than that result is superdelegates hand the nomination to Clinton.

Floor Drops Out, Country Lands in Cage Match

Yesterday, President Bush appeared on NBC's ode to low expectations, Deal or No Deal. Yes, he did. Yes. Seriously. He did. He did. Yes, yes, he...yes...yes, he did.



Coincidentally--or, if you are cynical, you believed this was only a matter of time--the 3 main presidential candidates appeared on Monday Night Raw last night. That's right, folks. In one night, you could be lucky enough to watch Bush appear via-satellite to joke about his low approval ratings, and then hear McCain utter the truly disheartening word "McCain-iac!" in reference to those simple/evil enough to vote for him.



It was a great night for American politics, nay, American History, nay, all of the Greater North American Landmass. Mexico, Canada, you're welcome.

"And who should walk in, but..."

Last night was really one of those great New York comedy nights. I started down in the LES and saw a show at Pianos, then hopped up to Karma in the East Village with John F. O'Donnell, and saw John Oliver do a set. John Oliver is absolutely fantastic to watch. He appears effortlessly charming, and when you hear his material, you can see why he's on The Daily Show. He is smart, challenging, and spot-on politically.

After that, me and JFOD went over to the Gene Frankel Theater(re?) for the Jerk Practice show. The lobby is lined with pictures of Gene Frankel, who looks a lot like God. Frankel is a somewhat famous stage director who, judging from the pictures, takes himself very seriously. I assume that he and James Lipton having coffee together would be a serious hoot.

Then we left to head up to UCB for Gut Bucket. On the way we walked past Comedy Village, and someone outside said that Dave Chappelle was onstage. We ducked in, and sure enough, Chappelle was up there, smoking a cigarette and reading the paper.

So me and Johnny are hanging out in back, and who should walk in the door but Chevy Chase. He and his family go sit in back, but as he's about to sit down, he yells out "I have herpes." The thing is, no one knows it's Chevy Chase, including Chappelle. So he's a little bit confused, and again Chase says, "I have herpes." So Chappelle doesn't know exactly what's going on. Then someone in the crowd yells "it's Chevy Chase," and Chappelle says, "yeah sure." Then he kind of squints, recognizes Chase, and loses his shit. "Oh my god! Chevy fucking Chase is here!" "I'm here for you Dave," Chase responds. Now, the audience goes nuts. Everyone is clapping and going crazy. After a minute or so, Chase goes up on stage and shakes Chappelle's hand, and they just hang out for a minute.

Chappelle does about 25 more minutes or so. When he's about to get off, the manager walks up and whispers something in his ear. Chappelle says, "ladies and gentlemen, Chevy Chase." So Chase went up and just talked for a few minutes. Me and Johnny had to leave to go up to UCB, so we couldn't see much of Chase's set.

Then Gut Bucket was a blast, and I went home and fell asleep.

Hedge Funds are Great!

Here's a new piece I wrote for 236.com. Read it, and bow before the awesome power of the hedge.

Jesus Patraeus to Congress: Why Stop Now?

Gen. David [Jesus] Patraeus addressed Congress today and said, in effect, "Look, you know nothing's gonna change here. What do you want me to say?" The whole event feels like a formality that no one is interested in, but no one feels comfortable canceling. It's like you broke up with your girlfriend but still took her to prom the next day.
"Look, we both know how we feel. Nothing's gonna change..."

Apparently there were some protesters in the back. Not sure if they were those lovable code pinkers or not. I'm all for disrupting this congressional nonsense, but I have to think that protesting right now has gotta feel even more like a lost cause than usual, which is really saying something.

Responsible Journalism?

"Suppose the Iranian government arrested and beat Katie Couric" -Nicholas Kristof

Taken out of context, it sounds like he's suggesting it.
"So, let's say somebody, I'm not sayin' who, made something happen, I'm just sayin suppose that. How would you feel about that?"

John McCain Unsure How John McCain Became Frontrunner

(AP) TEMPE, AZ- In what key staffers are calling a “serious mindfuck[ing]” turn of events, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has become the presumptive presidential front runner for the Republican party. “We were fucked. We were so fucked,” said Tom Gordon, an Assistant Campaign Manager, describing the campaign last summer. “Did you see how far we were up shit creek? Jesus Christ! I mean we were fucked!” Gordon continued.

Mr. McCain himself fared little better in attempting to explain his recent popularity. “I mean, I just don’t…I don’t…see, the thing is—it’s not—it’s not…well the thing is…politics…” McCain said before submerging his head in a bucket of cold water for his daily “make-sure-I’m-not-hallucinating” treatment.

When asked to comment, Cindy McCain, Mr. McCain’s wife, said, “I always believed. I always believed he would never be President. I still kind of believe that.”

This sounds like a....

The ever envelope-pushing FOX Network will be debuting a new show this Fall called, "If Women Ruled the World," that sounds simple enough. FOX sends a bunch of people to a remote island, puts the women in charge, then sets up cameras to, presumably, watch the men suffer. Or watch the women bicker. Or watch whatever gender stereotypes will no doubt be perpetuated in this train-wreck-waiting-to-happen. And we'll all watch, as the world gets turned "upside down."

And yet something seems off. A remote island. Dominant women. Subserviant men. Things being turned upside down. It kinda sounds like a porno movie. Right? Has FOX finally jumped the shark of bad taste? Will they actually air pornography and call it original programming? I, for one, think that is exactly what would happen...if only they could.

At the Pitch:
Producer- "Okay, so, it's a remote, primitive island, and the women rule the men, and then they all start fucking each other."
FOX Exec- "Woah, woah. I love it. Really. I do."
P- "Great, great."
FOX- "But--and here me out, here--take one step back."
P-"Uhhhh, I don't follow."
FOX- "Let's just cut it at: the women rule the men."
P- "So they never start fucking each other."
FOX- "No, no I don't think they do."
P- "But that's the heart of the show."
FOX- "Look. I love the everybody fucking each other. I think that's great. Not sure it'll get past the censors."
P- "Well, can they at least wear a bunch of torn clothing and be sweaty and oily and totally toned and hot and--"
FOX- "Yeah. Yeah, we can do that. That's totally different."

Here is the actual Press Release, for your reading pleasure.

What if it was "a woman's world"? What if women made ALL the decisions? If men were their obedient subjects?

These questions and more will be explored when a group of strong, educated, independent women, tired of living in a man's world and each with a personal axe to grind, rule over a group of unsuspecting men used to calling the shots on WHEN WOMEN RULE THE WORLD.

The unscripted series will reveal how women and men react in a world where women are in charge and men are subservient, and each gender's ability to adapt to a new social order will be put to the test.

The participants will be brought to a remote, primitive location where the women will have the opportunity to "rule" as they build a newly formed society – one where there is no glass ceiling and no dressing to impress. For the men, their worlds of power and prestige are turned inside-out and upside-down. And for these women, turnabout is fair play!

In order to win, the men must accede to the women's every demand, 24/7. Here, women command and men obey. Over the series' duration, the men will be eliminated by the women until one last man is standing.

How will the men react? How will the women treat the men? Can women effectively rule society? Will the men learn what life is like for some women in today's world? Will this new society be a Utopia or a hell on earth? And in the end, who will be man enough to succeed in the new social order?

Mariuana is everywhere, where was you brought up?

CNN today highlights a new study saying that...wait for it...college kids are abusing prescription medication! What?! No! Not college kids! Apparently students have set up "black markets" of drug sharing on campuses accross the country. How could this have happened? These kids have found a way to relax, dull pain, reduce anxiety, increase academic performance, and, if they're the lucky ones with a prescription, make a little money on the side. Which they will spend on beer. Which is not a drug.

How could we ever have seen this coming?

The study says how kids are abusing Vicodin, Vallium, Adderall, Ritalin, and Xanax, potentially even more than they are abusing mariuana. Then it goes on to say, and this is priceless, that college kids are abusing prescription pills because, according to CNN, they "percieve them as safer [than marijuana]."

Now, I don't know what kind of douchebag kids they surveyed, but I've never been in a dormroom and heard someone say, "No, I'm gonna pass on that joint. It's dangerous. Gimme a Vicoden-Adderall-Xanax cocktail. Man, you guys are crazy smoking weed like that. Ow, my heart really hurts all of a sudden."

Also, what kid is "abusing" prescription drugs, ostensibly because it makes them feel good, or provides escape, or whatever, but doesn't like to smoke weed. Just as it's absurd to claim that kids think that prescription drugs are safer than weed, it is equally ridiculous to claim that kids who are naturally drawn to one substanance won't naturally be drawn to another one. I'm willing to bet that 75-90% of college kids that buy pills from their friends for recreation/academic use also smoke a fuckton of weed.

But wait, there's more. This kills me too. The articles implicitly claims that pills are easier to get than pot, which is, at least on every campus I've ever been on, is like saying Pepsi is easier to get than Coke. Maybe...but the difference is statistically irrelevant. And I don't think it's even true.

Then, one doctor claims that pills are prefered over weed, because with pills, "[college students] don't have to go to the streets and deal with some guy they don't know and get marijuana where they don't know what's in it."

2 things about that. First, where is the token campus drug-dealer? Come on, colleges. What college kids are trolling skid row looking for a "marijuana fix?" The guy you buy weed from lives down the street from you, and he's probably in your Philosophy of the Mind class. Second, when can we as a nation just fucking accept that if you buy weed from someone you don't know, it's not gonna fucking kill you. There's this weird meme in our society that there are people spiking their stash with rat poison and they can't wait to sell it to you. Now, I'm sure that you can find stories where shit like that has happened, but 95% of the time, the worst case scenario is that it's just shitty weed. Not homicide weed.

Now, in writing this, I admit to engaging in no illegal activities, and these opinions come to me from going to high school and college and living in New York and having my eyes open to what is around me. This CNN bullshit is just so far off base you have to say something about it. But this is all just stuff I heard about.

"Good News" has gotten so relative lately

Douglas Macgregor, a former Army colonel, said today that under Donald Rumsfeld the Special Ops was turned into a "giant killing machine." Macgregor expects we'll see changes with Rummy's departure and a new head of Special Ops. One of the changes, Macgregor said, was that in the future, "The emphasis will be on, 'If you have to kill someone, then for God's sakes, kill the right people [emphasis added]."'

That really seems like it should go without saying.

Rummy: Men, go out there and get the job done.
Spec Op: Who is our target, sir?
Rummy: Just start shootin'. Bang bang.
Spec Op: Shouldn't we try to kill the right people?
Rummy: Say again?
Spec Op: The right people, sir. Isn't that who we should try to kill?
Rummy: Look, I created a "giant killing machine." What about that don't you understand?

In a related story, Joe Torre announced today that in the future, the NY Yankees will attempt to play only the team they are scheduled to play on that day. "No more playing baseball games were not even supposed to be involved in anymore," Torre said after a humiliating defeat by the Astros and the Cardinals. Torre went on to say, "under Steinbrenner, the Yankees have been turned into a giant killing machine. Too bad we can't play baseball very well."

Support "Support the Troops"

The Democrats recently sent a war funding bill to the White House with no Time Tables or mechanisms for withdrawl attached. Many liberal activists wanted Majority Leader Reid and the rest of the Senate Dems to vote down a bill that many saw as a blank check for the President. Joe Biden, however, voted for the bill, saying, "As long as there are troops who are in a position where, if we don't fund them they are going to be hurt, I'm not going to cut off funding" (via thinkprogress). Joe Biden is right. His clear mischaracterization of de-funding shows he understands the importance of building strawmen, and then knocking them down. Allow me to explain myself.

Whenever anyone, be them Dems or Repubs, politicians or pundits, talks about de-funding, they speak of it as though one day American soldier will run out of ammo, and that'll be that. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. If congress decides to stop funding a war, they speak with the military and set a date at which the troops can be brought home. After that date, there is no funding for the war, but by that time, we have no more soldiers in combat.

Sen. Russ Feingold articulates his position thusly,
"[Congress] must use its power of the purse to safely redeploy our troops from Iraq. Mr. President, let's not be intimidated by the intentionally misleading rhetoric of the White House and its allies when they try to prevent any discussion of any real action by Congress to end the war. This isn't about "cutting off funds for troops." It's about cutting off funds for the war...By setting a date after which funding for the war will be terminated -- as I have proposed -- Congress can safely bring our troops out of harm's way."

Feingold is virtually the only member of Congress to explain and de-mystify the argument for de-funding, while people like Joe Biden continually buy into the "Support our Troops, gotta fund the Troops, their funding is gonna run out and they'll be stuck in Iraq", paradigm. And I love Biden for that.

He gets it. He gets that it's not about "Support the Troops" the military strategy, it's about supporting "Support the Troops" the ad-campaign. And that's who America needs as its next President. Someone who understands the importance of slogans and images, not logic and empirical data.

Biden understands that slogans and marketing are responsible for America's prominence in the world today. McDonalds' "I'm lovin' it" and Nike's "Just Do It" have led to American Hegemony all over the world. His faith that "Support the Troops" could have the same outcome militarily that other slogans have had economically is historically grounded.

Sure, maybe it'll take some time, but why actually support the troops, when you can "Support the Troops." Biden gets it. And the Senate Democrats who voted for the no-exit funding bill, including Majority Leader Reid, get it to. The only people who don't seem to get it are 45% of Americans who support defunding. And 57% who support a funding bill with time tables, which Glenn Greenwald expertly explains are indistinguishable from de-funding.

So Feingold, Greenwald, nearly 60% of American taxpayers, shut up. If we turn our backs on our ad-campaign, we're admitting defeat. Yes, a Democratic Congress could bring the troops home at any time, by simply refusing to fund the war, but how would that look? It might maybe potentially be characterized as weak. For some reason. Much better to capitulate and continue funding a war you were elected to end. Support the banners. Support the bumper stickers. Support the lawn signs. But for the love of god, let it stop there.

Conflicted

I'll tell you one thing I love about America: High Fidelity. That is a great movie, set in a great American city, with great (mostly) American music.

I'll tell you one thing I hate about America: High Fidelity the Musical. That is a piece of trash, and also the most cripplingly ironic tragedy of all time. They took a movie about how important great music is in your life and they turned it into showtunes.

In the movie there's a great line that goes, "If you really wanted to fuck me up Laura, you should have gotten to me sooner!"

In the musical it goes,
"Top 5 break-ups of all time
Number 5 (big smile) Sally Jane..."
Next thing you know there's Jazz Hands making an appearance.

I did this bit at a show once and someone came up to me and said, "You know, first of all it was a book, and it was by a Brit."
I said, "well, the fact that we took it and made it awesome and also totally shitty makes it even more American than before."

Look at what we did with beer.