Palin Was Serious

About that Alaska being close to Russia stuff. Honest to god. She was serious.

Sexy Hank Paulson Luvs Sexy Nancy Pelosi

From today's Times, and basically everywhere else too:

"...the Treasury secretary, Henry M. Paulson Jr., literally bent down on one knee as he pleaded with Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker, not to “blow it up...”

If my sources are correct, Nancy Pelosi was planning on exploding the world for some reason until Paulson came in and was like, "I love you, will you marry me?" and her San Fransican-values heart melted like gay butter.

Ok, enough nonsense. I'm not sorry to see the bailout get held up for a day or two, if only to keep it directly in the news cycle. Whether or not that will stoke public outrage remains to be seen, but the more attention focused on the lack of oversight in that bill, the better.

Silver-lining

So, if there is one silver lining to be found in the coming economic catastrophe, I think I've found it. I'm hoping that bin Ladin is reading the headlines and thinking to himself, "you know what? I'll just let this play itself out. Yeah, yeah, 'death to America,' but you know what, I'm kind of pooped."

At this point, America has become Willy Loman. You know he's gonna die before too long. America is just wandering around going, "I'm very well liked." No, you're not. You never were. Also, George Washington, the author of America, banged Marilyn Monroe, so, you know, it's a pretty good analogy.

Nevermind, I Take It All Back

From today's New York Times:

"The first thing to understand is that a bailout plan doesn’t have to cost anywhere close to $700 billion, so long as it’s designed well. The $700 billion number that you see everywhere is an estimate of how much the government would spend to buy deteriorating assets now held by banks. Eventually, the government will turn around and sell these assets, for a price almost certain to be greater than zero."

Hear that kids? "Almost certain to be greater than zero," certainly inspires confidence in me. You can't make that promise to other people. Mom, I know your birthday is coming up in a little bit, and trust me, your present will almost certainly be better than nothing. But, depending on the economy, it might be nothing. (I'll get you something nice, Mom)

The Bailout

The Bush administration, as represented by the Federal Reserve and the Treasury, are pushing for a 700 Billion dollar buyup of trash mortgages, hoping to get the bill through Congress by the end of the week. I have nowhere near the brain power to explain where the looming economic disaster came from or what to do about it. That's what makes it so fun! But I do know what I likes, and I don't likes this, from Section 8 of the bill we have to pass like right now guys:

"Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency."

Hello! King Hank Paulson will rule us benevolently for the next 4 months, then either Obama or McCain will be installed as a primarily ceremonial head-of-state, and his Treasury Sec. will take the throne from Paulson and shred what little monies we have left.

700 Billion dollars is a lot of money, and it belongs to us. You know, taxpayers. Guess who's getting it? People who are rich and educated enough to think they're better than everyone else and could gamble with vast, unthinkable amounts of money to reap huge rewards with no risk. And now we're giving it to some oligarch to pass around like a blunt. And no one can review his decisions. It's perfect.

I just started reading Bonfire of the Vanities, by Tom Wolfe, and let me tell you, this is the perfect week to pick that book up. I'm only a little bit into it, but it's hard to mourn the "end of Wall Street" when you see Wolfe's brutal characterization of the self-identified Masters-of-the-Universe.

I think what makes me smile the most is thinking about all the Econ majors who wanted to make 6 figure bonuses 2 years out of college, because although they will still be filthy rich, they'll have to spend a lot of time hearing about how great it used to be. I think that will make them unhappy. So there is at least one silver-lining to the upcoming catastrophe.

Thoughts about the tactics and actions of some RNC protesters

"There was much in it that I did not understand, in some ways I did not even like it, but I recongnized it immediately as a state of affairs worth fighting for."
-George Orwell, describing his affinity with the Anarchist Militia in the Spanish Civil War, from Homage to Catalonia.

LOLCops

New 23/6 piece about how silly cops are.

Monday, St. Paul, RNC Day 1

Today was a pretty crazy day in St. Paul. Lot's of arrests, lots of pepper spray. Amy Goodman and two of her producers from Democracy Now got arrested. Here's some photos of the day. Thoughts to come later.

"Say goodnight old man"

After Obama's sad FISA vote I didn't want to vote for him, but now that I know he will beat McCain to within an inch of his life with nothing but his hopeful hands he's back on my good side.

Maureen Dowd Upset Obama Didn't Bomb Europe

Maureen Dowd is paid by the paper of record to call Barack Obama gay at least 4 times a column, twice a week. Sometimes she gets other people to call him a gay loser for her, like today, where she writes,

"A USA Today/Gallup poll found that his trip 'has not broadened confidence in his ability to be commander of the U.S. military,' according to the paper, and 'suggested Obama’s trip may have helped energize voters who favor McCain.'"

See? Obama went to Europe and didn't even drop one lousy bomb, so now it's important to tell Americans that he's a wuss who will lose to STRONGMAN John McCain who will bomb everything he visits. Maureen Dowd has absolutely nothing interesting or insightful to say, so she says things like this.

Sign #13,349 That Things In America Aren't Going Well

From the New York Times comes one of the grimmest assessments of our economic situation.

Philadelphia Streets Unsafe For Manhole Covers.
"In the past year thieves have stolen hundreds of covers and grates, which are increasingly valuable as scrap."

Yes, folks, we are one step closer to the hellish future of making ends meet by foraging scrap metal. I hope Thomas Friedman sees this as an example of American ingenuity and perseverance, and then I hope Paul Krugman throws a pie in his face.

Bill O'Reilly is Surrounded By Nazis and Klansmen

Every time you turn around, Yellingman Bill O'Reilly is calling someone a Nazi. It is a smart and hilarious thing to do. He most recently claimed that Al Gore attending the Netroots Nation (formerly YearlyKos) conference was, "the same as if he stepped into the Klan gathering. It's the same. No difference." (via Thinkprogress)

Here's another good one, prompted by some anonymous comments left on Huffpo. (via Crooks and Liars)

O’Reilly: I have no respect for the woman. I think that she is hurting the country…

O’Reilly: What’s the difference between the KKK and Arianna Huffington? What’s the difference?

Ham: I think there is a difference,.

O’Reilly: I don’t see any difference between Huffington and the Nazis. It’s her, It’s her, It’s her…I didn’t say she’s a Nazi.

Ham: Alright.

O’Reilly: There’s no difference between what the two do.

We're not done yet. He also referred to Daily Kos in a similar fashion on the Factor.

Because this is hate of the worst order. It's like the Ku Klux Klan. It's
like the Nazi party. There's no difference here. (via Media Matters)

O'Reilly see Nazis and Klansmen everywhere because he's very smart.

2nd Czechoslovakia Error

For the 2^nd time in as many days, presidential candidate and current affairs guru John McCain has referenced “Czechoslovakia” in a contemporary context. That country hasn’t existed by that name for 15 years. Here are some of our predictions for how this historical place will keep popping up in his everyday speech.

“I am aware of Czechoslovakia.”

“I can’t wait to be President of Czechoslovakia.”

“The Sunnis are in Czechoslovakia. The Shiites are in Persia. Where is the Internet?”

“My favorite thing about Czechoslovakia is that it exists and I want to bomb it.”

“Time Machine?! Time Machine?! I just want to go to Czechoslovakia!”

“I am 18 years younger than Czechoslovakia. Who knew?”

“Czechoslovakia is a cunt”

Minnesota is the Greatest Place Ever

Jesse Ventura is back in the game, this time running for the U.S. Senate in my beloved Minnesota. He will win once he throws Al Franken and local monster Norm Coleman off a crumbling bridge into the Mississippi, in what will be called "The Hot Dish Scuffle."

San Fransican Republican Hates San Franscico

Oh, I love me some West Coast liberals. San Fransisco Chronicle reports about some people who want to rename their sewage plant after George W. Bush. It's pretty funny, but the chair of the San Fransisco Republican Party isn't happy about this, calling the measure "looney bin direct democracy." That was chapter 14 in my high school civics book.

AP Getting Worried

This rather alarmist headline has been making the Internet rounds, but it's funny enough to post on one more incredibly obsure blog.

"Everything is Seemingly Spinning Out of Control" cries the AP, the usually dry news service. The authors have probably wanted to write that headline for most of their adult lives. I'm just happy that now the world is crazy enough for the AP to let loose.

picked up on huffpo

The baby mama drama piece got picked up on huffpo. Here's the link.

It's the exact same as before, but now you can get there through the huffpo media site. YES!

All this baby mama drama

My new piece on 23/6 is here.

It's dedicated to the mama's mama's.

Validation!

A website called comedy smack sent out one of my jokes today. They have a pretty extensive mailing list.

http://www.comedysmack.com/today/2008/5/29/career-death

The picture they used is from a trip I took with my family to Key West, so I look like a cruise ship comic. I love pina coladas in Key West.

Sound Fix Show tomorrow

Come check out the sweet sweet line up.

We've got

Mark Normand
Sven Wechsler
Claudia Cogan
Charlie Kasov
and one of my favorite improv groups
Loretta

It's gonna be great. Ed Murray and I are co-hosting/producing every week now. This new experiment is the greatest one since the founding of America.

Sound Fix is at Bedford and North 11th. No cover. Cheap drinks. 8pm.