In this January's issue of Vanity Fair, Christopher Hitchens turns his still lucid mind to a question that is more relevant today than ever before: Why Aren't Women Funny?
Or, rather, he phrases it as a conclusion (Why Women Aren't Funny) as opposed to a question. I, for one, say good work Mr. Hitchens. A lesser man may have learned his lesson after predicting that invading Iraq would be a great idea, but you, sir, are still drawing conclusions as grounded as they are nuanced. Don't let one wrong move get you down. Bravo.
Hitchens rightly begins his article with a joke.
Be your gender what it may, you will certainly have heard the following from a female friend who is enumerating the charms of a new (male) squeeze: "He's really quite cute, and he's kind to my friends, and he knows all kinds of stuff, and he's so funny … " (If you yourself are a guy, and you know the man in question, you will often have said to yourself, "Funny? He wouldn't know a joke if it came served on a bed of lettuce with sauce béarnaise.")
Ahhaahahahahahaahhahahahah. Yes! In your face upscale lobster entree! If Hitchens didn't wield his rapier wit so effortlessly and effectively one might start to believe that it is in fact Hitchens who isn't funny. Lucky for him, he doesn't have to worry about that.
Hitchens then goes on to outline his argument clearly and succinctly on page...um...page...let me see here...it's clear, somewhere...well, it seems that these truths he takes to be self evident:
1. Wit is a sign of intelligence
2. Women are really in control of men
3. Women are smarter than men
a. Proof: They don't laugh at poop jokes, ever
4. Women don't have to be funny to attract men. In fact, they don't have to do much of anything.
5. Women don't want to threaten men by being funny, and therefore intelligent. That's right. Women, who are in charge, don't want to threaten men, who are subservient. It makes sense after 6 whiskeys, trust me.
6. Bearing children makes women unfunny, because they don't have time to be funny. Also bearing children is a very serious and painful job. No time for banter at 3 centimeters.
Hitchens hits a home run with these last two. He simultaneously praises the fairer sex for being more sophisticated and in control (so why are they always complaining! Am I right guys?), and also biologically incapable of keeping up with men in the humor department. It's that kind of drunken incoherence that makes his argument so powerful. Sure, a logician would say that the Hitchens' reasoning is violently fallacious, but as long as that logician is a man then Hitchens can make a pun on fallacious and fellatio and all will be well.
Christopher Hitchens, thank you. You've taken a complicated social observation (that when performing traditional gender roles men are valued for their intelligence and women are valued for their beauty and ability to perform domestic functions) and, hilariously, illuminated and clarified the issue at hand, namely that women aren't funny, with a few exceptions. Some dyes, a fat chick or two, and Lucile Ball made the cut, which is by the way Hitchens' call to make. Those who say you are a whiskey-guzzling traitor are wrong. You are a visionary. A double-visionary.