Here are a few headlines I submitted this week that didn't make the cut. Several of them aren't even funny enough to appear here, but, hey, content is hard to come by. Ones that warrant explanation, or apology, are followed by a few short thoughts. [Note: I went back through and took out several that are not funny enough even to be here. Content is hard to come by, but let's not waste each other's time.] Here we go:
US Investment Bankers Sent To China In Covert Plan To Destroy China
I know we're not at war with China, but it feels like we might be at some point, or at least that the CIA is doing crazy shit over there. Plus, the idea of sending "the best and brightest" to inadvertently ruin a country strikes me as funny.
Man Wanting To Go Where Everybody Knows His Name Out Of Luck
I like this one because it's mean. Think about the poor bastard depicted here! And yet, who among us hasn't been wandering around like, "I'm gonna go where my friends are," only to realize that you've got nowhere to go?
Area Man Still Searching For Perfect Gazebo
Not sure why I find this so funny, but I do.
Applause Too Loud To Be Sincere
This line's existence can be blamed on going to too many open mics, with too many comedians who know each other and just looooove being sarcastic.
Man At Bar Pretty Sure Other Man At Bar Quoting Hold Steady Song
I have been both men in this headline, sometimes at the same time. "Am I quoting the Hold Steady right now?" Yes, I probably am.
Couple Desperately Seeking Good Enough Reason To Break Up
Failed or failing relationships are a constant source of dark humor. Have you heard?
Goofball Pilot Fools Passengers Again With Nose-Dive Prank
This is so stupid I wasn't going to submit it, but I just love the idea of some pilot being like, "You suckers fell for it again! Hahahahahaha! What a bunch of boners back here! Am I right!?"
A lot of times I'll try to turn rejected headlines into stand up bits, or premises, or whatever, but sometimes that's virtually impossible. "Guys, imagine there's this goofy pilot, and he keeps pulling nose dives to prank the passengers! Isn't that a funny and honest premise to work from?!" So, that idea might not go anywhere. Or, "Who here is still searching for the perfect gazebo? Fellas!?" Again, that one might not translate.
At some point I'll post some of my political headlines too, but for various reasons it's harder to know when those have been outrightly rejected.
Now begins another week, and another list.