No More Confusion!

There is very little to say about the following video that is not blatantly obvious to anyone with half an ounce of compassion. Once again, vicious Right has created an artifact that will remind people 30 years from now that even in 2009, some people still advocated withholding basic rights from individuals based on nothing more than sexual orientation. And they were not above exploiting children--ironically, the "safety" of children is one of the most used (and repugnant) arguments against granting gays' rights--to advance their message of intolerance and fear.



In regards to that last line--you know what else confuses kids? Airplanes. Microwaves. Representative democracy. Body parts that belong to someone of the opposite sex. Getting grounded.

So, now, after a moment of reflection, I think this video makes a good point. We should restructure the world so that everything makes immediate sense to a 4 year old, and never ask him or her to "learn" things. No more technology, whatever Mommy or Daddy (or the President or King) says is true, and no looking at anybody else's body under any circumstances or else you're grounded in Cuba for the rest of your child-like adult life.

(Additionally, the hateful philosophy that drives an Ad like this one offers no comfort to a kid who is confused about his or her sexual identity or orientation. If they're so concerned--they're not--about kids growing up confused about sexuality, oh, I don't know, how about implementing an intelligent sex ed policy for adolescents.)

As an antidote to the above video, I present a different one below. There is maybe some tangential point to be made here, that this song explores the inherent difficulties of adult relationships without having lunatic right-wingers involve themselves in your personal business, but, really, it's just a great song.

It's called Autoclave, and it's by The Mountain Goats. Just heard it for the first time recently, and it is fantastic. FYI, an autoclave is a device used to sterilize medical equipment in preparation for surgery. It kills bacteria by subjecting the instruments to extremely high pressure and temperatures, a process so poetic I can't believe this machine hasn't shown up as a metaphor in anything else I've ever heard. For a short explanation of the song by the songwriter, click here.

Rejected Headlines and Thoughts About Them (2)

Here are a few headlines I submitted this week that didn't make the cut. Several of them aren't even funny enough to appear here, but, hey, content is hard to come by. Ones that warrant explanation, or apology, are followed by a few short thoughts. [Note: I went back through and took out several that are not funny enough even to be here. Content is hard to come by, but let's not waste each other's time.] Here we go:

US Investment Bankers Sent To China In Covert Plan To Destroy China
I know we're not at war with China, but it feels like we might be at some point, or at least that the CIA is doing crazy shit over there. Plus, the idea of sending "the best and brightest" to inadvertently ruin a country strikes me as funny.

Man Wanting To Go Where Everybody Knows His Name Out Of Luck
I like this one because it's mean. Think about the poor bastard depicted here! And yet, who among us hasn't been wandering around like, "I'm gonna go where my friends are," only to realize that you've got nowhere to go?

Area Man Still Searching For Perfect Gazebo
Not sure why I find this so funny, but I do.

Applause Too Loud To Be Sincere
This line's existence can be blamed on going to too many open mics, with too many comedians who know each other and just looooove being sarcastic.

Man At Bar Pretty Sure Other Man At Bar Quoting Hold Steady Song
I have been both men in this headline, sometimes at the same time. "Am I quoting the Hold Steady right now?" Yes, I probably am.

Couple Desperately Seeking Good Enough Reason To Break Up
Failed or failing relationships are a constant source of dark humor. Have you heard?

Goofball Pilot Fools Passengers Again With Nose-Dive Prank
This is so stupid I wasn't going to submit it, but I just love the idea of some pilot being like, "You suckers fell for it again! Hahahahahaha! What a bunch of boners back here! Am I right!?"

A lot of times I'll try to turn rejected headlines into stand up bits, or premises, or whatever, but sometimes that's virtually impossible. "Guys, imagine there's this goofy pilot, and he keeps pulling nose dives to prank the passengers! Isn't that a funny and honest premise to work from?!" So, that idea might not go anywhere. Or, "Who here is still searching for the perfect gazebo? Fellas!?" Again, that one might not translate.

At some point I'll post some of my political headlines too, but for various reasons it's harder to know when those have been outrightly rejected.

Now begins another week, and another list.

First Onion Headline

Woo! Here's a link to my first headline in The Onion.

Storytelling

I've gone to a few storytelling shows this week, and, I gotta say, it's been fantastic. It's like a break from stand up without actually taking a break, if you get my meaning.

Last night I went to Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman's show Stripped Stories at UCB, which was really really great. They both told personal stories that were sad and funny, and honest. One of the joys of watching stand ups tell real stories is that, inevitably, they will get a few great jokes in, often when you're least expecting it.

The line of the night came from Giulia. I don't want to offer too much detail or context--because I haven't cleared it with her--but suffice to say that in her story she was feeling quite down, and a boy said to her, "you're cute." She continued:

"So, he said 'you're cute,' but what I heard was, 'you're cute, and I'm going to fuck the sadness out of you.'"

It's the kind of line that would get a laugh at a stand up show, without question. But when the audience is expecting honesty and vulnerability--which can and should exist in stand up, but aren't necessarily prerequisites like with storytelling--and they get it, their laughter comes from identification with the storyteller's emotion, not from appreciation of how clever that particular "turn" was. Don't get me wrong, I love a good punchline as much as the next person, but seeing these storytelling shows this week has been a nice change of pace.

The show ended with a set from Thin Skin Jonny. Give a listen if you get a chance.

Friday Cat Funny

Have a good weekend everybody.

British Comedian Gives Me an Idea for Summer Project

Well, it just goes to show how far you can get with a printer and a little bit of confidence. This headline from the UK Telegraph made my Friday:

Comedian sneaks into US State department

This story was made for ComedyandPolitics! It's got literally everything in this blog's name in the article! It reads as follows (posted in full):

Mr Iannucci was researching his latest film, the US-British political drama 'In the Loop', when he visited the department's headquarters in the Foggy Bottom neighbourhood of the US political capital.

The identification he had with him was an amateurish BBC pass with his face show by a print out of a picture of him from the Internet.

He flashed the card at the guards in the main reception of the building, said he had an appointment and was waved through.

The comedian then spent an hour walking around the building taking photographs, which were later used to help with the set designs for the film.

The writer, who also created political satire-cum-farce The Thick Of It for BBC4, said: "I had a terrible, amateur BBC identity pass, with basically my face printed off Google and my name under it.

"A child could have produced it in 20 seconds. I wandered up to the front reception of the State department and said 'BBC. I'm here for the 12. 30.'

"They showed me in. I spent an hour wandering round the building with my camera taking photos for our designer.

"Part of me thought it was fun, another part thought it was probably international espionage."

So in a few weeks I'll be going to London to sneak into "Parliament" and whatever other wacky buildings they have "over there" and I'm bringing my camera and my googled picture of myself.

You may be saying to yourself, "John, someone already did that. That's the whole point of the article you just posted in full." Yeah, you're right, and it sounded fun. And when has the fact that the Brits already did something ever stopped Americans from copying it poorly? Check. Mate.

Bill Richardson Is the Hardest Working Man In This Tent

The only upside to running for president in this country and failing is that when you don't get it, you can attain a level of internet psuedo-celebrity normally reserved for piano-playing cats or men getting hit in the balls with objects. Bill Richardson is one of the lucky souls who has risen to this level of notoriety.

He recently signed a bill ending capital punishment in New Mexico--which this blog gives him a lot of credit for--and he wanted to celebrate with a dance. Or, more likely, he just wanted to dance because he doesn't have to kiss up to Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton any more.

Norm MacDonald Is the Greatest Man Alive

Norm MacDonald was on Late Night last night swearing up a storm, much to the delight of the giggling Letterman. Here he is telling a story about Bob Uecker.



A bit more of the interview can be seen here.

30 Minutes At American University

For anyone who's interested, here's a video of me talking into a microphone for 30 minutes at American University. This is the show I went down to do with Drucker a few weeks ago. We performed for the Rationalists and Atheists society down there, and The Gathering, who I refer to at the beginning, is some sort of religious group on campus.

John Knefel at American University from Jeremy Diamond on Vimeo.

Supreme Court Thoughts

I read two fantastic articles today about Sonia Sotomayor, the presumptive front runner in the deathrace to replace Souter.

The first is from Greenwald, critiquing Jeffrey Rosen of the New Republic. Rosen published a hit piece on Sotomayor, citing exclusively annoymous sources who questioned her intelligence and temperament. The article was widely circulated in the rightwing trashpile, giving cover to many conservatives to wonder aloud if Sotomayor's gender and ethnicity (she is black and Puerto Rican) played a large role in granting her front-runner status. Greenwald writes:

In the last 24 hours alone, Rosen's article has been used by three different National Review writers -- who, I'd be willing to bet lots of money, know virtually nothing about Sotomayor -- to declare her to be "dumb and obnoxious." That's a phrase they've revelled in repeating three times now (and counting), culminating with this: "I'm sure Mark H. is right about Sotomayor's being dumb and obnoxious, just as Derb is right about her being female and Hispanic is all the [sic] matters." The amazing speed with which so many people who know absolutely nothing about her are willing, indeed eager, to assume that she's stupid and doesn't deserve her achievements -- based on the fact that she's Puerto Rican and female and Rosen published some trashy, unaccountable gossip feeding that perception -- is really remarkable.

The second article, which considers the sexist and racist implications in many of the rightwing critiques, is by A. Serwer, and appears at The American Prospect. Serwer writes:

Affirmative action was installed as a corrective against bigotry, a way to ensure qualified people were not passed over because of arbitrary conditions of their race or gender -- not as a "punishment" for whites, although it's not surprising to me that Cohen sees it that way. The fact that white women have been the greatest beneficiaries of affirmative action goes unmentioned because it's harder to make the case that "white people" have been hurt, because in the end, "white people" have benefited more than anyone else. "There's no need to cling to such a remedy anymore," says Cohen, who shares the WaPo op-ed page with a single black columnist.

And then, if you can stomach it, here is the remedy against thoughtful, mature dialogue courtesy of Sean Hannity and friends. I got about 2 minutes in before I stopped. If you can beat me, you get a special surprise present.

KATG and General Round Up

Work has been super busy lately, so blogging has been suffering for several weeks now. Today has been light, though, so I'll try to throw a few things up here. We'll see how it goes.

The first thing worth noting is that I'll be on a very fun podcast called Keith and the Girl tonight at 7pm. That link will take you to their website, where you can either livestream the show or download it to listen to later on your mp3 player or other compatible device. Jesse Joyce, a very talented young man with a bright future (full disclosure: he once referred to me as his "horse," ie, he's betting on me), will be a guest as well.

I don't really have anything else to share right now, and I'm quite behind on my news/blog reading, so I'll just offer a few rejected Onion headlines from this week. I've been meaning to post these regularly, but, since I'm lazy, it hasn't happened. Both Ben Schwartz and Jon Friedman have previously made names for themselves, in part, by highlighting rejected material--Rejected Jokes and The Rejection Show, respectively--so I harbor no illusions that posting a few mediocre Onion headlines is groundbreaking. That said, I hope you enjoy them.

I had one get past the first round this week, and if it shows up in the paper I will of course post it here. Here area a few of the 14 that got rejected.

Drunk Morning DJ Actually Asking What Radio Station Made Listener A Winner

Detroit Now Ruled By Warlord

Detroit Divided Into Five Separate Fiefdoms
[ed note: I have nothing against Detroit. Some of my best friends...etc.]

Sex Playlist On Computer Remains Untested

Area Couple Realizes They're Living Out Sam Medes Movie Plot

Man Could Swear Garfield Did The Same Thing Last Sunday

"Hang In There" Cat Run Over By Car After Falling From Tree
[ed note: This one is my favorite of the bunch]

Man Trying To End Conversation Wishes He Had Second Phone To Look At

Atheists Come Out

Mike Drucker and I just went down to American University in Washington DC this past weekend and performed for the campus Rationalists and Atheists organization. It was a fun time, and the third show I've done recently for a crowd of atheists. Other than the obvious benefits that come from performing for a group of like-minded people, I've also found that these crowds seem to be extremely appreciative to hear someone making jokes about subjects--like religion and it's place in society--that rarely get addressed by our mainstream media.

Along those same lines, here's a sort of recent article from the NY Times about atheists coming together and "coming out of the closet." I'm not fond of that phrasing, because I think that the struggles that young gay men and women face are far, far greater than what atheists face.


Here's a passage talking about the growing number of atheists in America:

"Polls show that the ranks of atheists are growing. The American Religious Identification Survey, a major study released last month, found that those who claimed “no religion” were the only demographic group that grew in all 50 states in the last 18 years.

Nationally, the “nones” in the population nearly doubled, to 15 percent in 2008 from 8 percent in 1990. In South Carolina, they more than tripled, to 10 percent from 3 percent. Not all the “nones” are necessarily committed atheists or agnostics, but they make up a pool of potential supporters."

"Dark" -Maria Bamford

In celebration of the release of Maria Bamford's latest comedy CD, titled "Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome," I'm posting the last episode from Season 1 of her Super Deluxe show. This is really one of the best internet video-jobbers ever made.

"Don't be afraid of the dark,
There's nothing to fear 'cause we're all terrified"

Song of the Day

This is a really fantastic song about needing to get away from things for a minute. We can all identify with that from time to time.


"If the Brakeman Turns My Way" -Bright Eyes

Response To NOM Commercial

Here's a response to that awful NOM psa that came out a few days ago. It's been getting pretty good play, and this blog is very happy about how it turned out. Enjoy.

Meeting Noam

A Socialist Responds

The Nation is running a series of respones to the economic crises by self identified Socialists. Here's a small exerpt from one today, responding to the current meme that "we are all socialists now":

"Besides, it wasn't supposed to happen this way. There was supposed to be a revolution, remember? The socialist idea, prediction, faith or whatever was that capitalism would fall when people got tired of trying to live on the crumbs that fall from the chins of the rich and rose up in some fashion--preferably inclusively, democratically and nonviolently--and seized the wealth for themselves. Such a seizure would have looked nothing like "nationalization" as currently discussed, in which public wealth flows into the private sector with little or no change in the elites that control it or in the way the control is exercised. Our expectation as socialists was that the huge amount of organizing required for revolutionary change would create an infrastructure for governance, built out of--among other puzzle pieces--unions, community organizations, advocacy groups and new organizations of the unemployed and nouveau poor."

Make the Best of It

-Bad Religion, "New America"

"Weve got to start to build
Progress and implement
For when we take our fill
And never pay the price
We only build ourselves
A fleeting, false paradise"

A reader writes to Andrew Sullivan:

"I’m a public school teacher and a mom. My husband’s small repair business is closing and our roof is leaking. Because we can’t afford new clothes or toys for our preschooler, we’re getting together with neighbors and hosting a swap meet. Everyone’s bringing old (but wearable) toys, books, and clothes, and without exchanging a single penny, we’ll all be pouring out our bags of stuff and “shopping.” With a coffee pot running and our kids running around, it’ll be one way to celebrate being poor together."

Unemployment Blues

-Mike Anderson, "Unemployment Blues" Real Country

This blog took the past few days off for travel and laziness-related reasons. Travel? Oh yes, travel. Headlining in Buffalo and Toronto was really fun. The crowds were great at both places, and doing 45 minutes onstage was challenging, but not as difficult as imagined.

But now we're back, and we've got some horrible horrible news for you, the reader who was refreshing this website furiously for the past several days, screaming, "where is my under-analyzed news! I want some shoe-horned-in jokes!" Sorry to keep you waiting, lunatics. And the jokes are not shoe-horned in, they are crafted and recrafted to fit perfectly both in tone and structure with the piece at large, like a fart ballooning the seat of a man or woman's slacks. Seamless.

So, yeah, here's today's horrible, horrible news, thanks to the heroic and inspiring work of the Planet Money team over at NPR. They write:

A quick outtake from our podcast interview with economist Howard Rosen:

"Today we learned that there are 12.5 million people who are unemployed, and we have another 8.6 million people who are working part-time because they cannot find full-time jobs. Now, you're talking about 20 million people in this country who are either unemployed or underemployed. I don't want to freak out people, but the unemployed number, we start talking about 15, 16 percent."

Rosen notes that the government typically revises unemployment figures. For now, the broadest measure of unemployment stands at 14.8 percent.

Haha, yay, no one has any fucking jobs or disposable income, great, so long headlining work! because no one can even put gas in their car, even though it costs about as much as the price of bottled water.

[The link above is to a website called "Gas Buddy," which is also what we call our roommate Elliot. The specific map is called the "gas temperature map," which is objectively speaking the funniest map name ever. "Today's gas temperature is a sweltering 98.7 degrees..."]

Here is Andrew Leonard's take on the unemployment numbers for the past three months:

"That's nearly two million jobs lost in just three months. One could, I suppose, look for a glimmer of hope in the fact that the 651,000 jobs lost in February is lower than the revised number of jobs lost in December and January. But if these February numbers suffer a similar revision when March's figures come along, we could be looking at over 700,000 jobs lost in February, the shortest month of the year."

Literally, the only good news anyone (us) can find is that spring is around the corner, which means low-cut shirts and cleavage, unless women had to sell all their spring-wear to survive the brutal winter, in which case this blog declares: GREAT DEPRESSION II HAS ARRIVED!

Foggo Gets Jail-o

The CIA is a criminal organization that operates out of a barn in Virginia, and has failed at pretty much everything it has ever tried to do. That it's ranks are overflowing with violent thugs is widely known and celebrated both in Liberal Hollywood and in Real America, but today one of their many goons is facing the electric-testicle shock of justice.

Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, a man so hilariously surnamed that a nickname seems entirely superfluous, was sentenced to 37 months in prison today on bribery and fraud charges. He is the highest ranking CIA bag to be convicted of a felony, though he is without question NOT the highest ranking CIA bag who deserves to be thrown in jail.

Let's hear the sexy spy details, you're thinking, you pervert. Ok, then, here we go. The New York Times reports,

"[that] the exact conduct for which Foggo pleaded guilty is still somewhat murky.

Prosecutors say the fraud encompassed a years-long scheme in which Foggo's old friend, contractor Brent Wilkes, showered Foggo with tens of thousands of dollars worth of gifts and luxury vacations in exchange for steering multimillion-dollar contracts in Wilkes' direction.

They also say the fraud includes Foggo's efforts to get his mistress hired by the CIA at a six-figure salary for a job for which she was unqualified."

He probably shouldn't have been doing that, but considering the crimes of the CIA for the past 8 years this seems a little like an Al Capone Tax Evasion case.