Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Jim Carrey's Only Good Dramatic Performance to Become Reality

This blog laid low on Valentine's Day, keeping posting to a literal minimum of zero posts. Now that a few days have gone by, two or three or whatever it's been, let's do a quick recap.

Here is a rejected Onion headline of ours that we didn't write specifically for V-Day, but works:

Area Couple Marries After Not Finding Reason to Break Up

Take that, scared institution. Also, the This American Life this week was fantastic.

Returning to the title of this blog, let's discuss this story, [via Balk] whose headline reads:

Pill to erase bad memories: Ethical furore over drugs 'that threaten human identity'

If it feels reminiscent of Eternal Sunshine to you, then you're not alone. The article prominently features a screen-shot from the film, and gives a brief summary of the story, leading the casual idiot-reader to assume that the science fiction of that movie has now become the science fiction of reality. Guys, the future is here!

No, it's not. In fact, this whole experiment is basically meaningless speculation at this point. To quickly and poorly summarize the study, a bunch of quack docs showed a bunch of morons with nothing better to do pictures of spiders and then gave them electro-shock. The morons associated these two events and thought, "spiders: bad," and got scared whenever they saw pictures of spiders and cried like women. Then half of the morons were given a pill, and the next time they saw spiders they were brave, like women who decide they're not going to be victims of spiders anymore!

To quote a SCIENTIST who is not impressed by this study in the least:

'All they've shown so far is that the increased ability to startle someone if they are feeling a bit anxious is reduced,' he said.

The drug may also do bad things. Some other scientist who is also not impressed says,

"that the unintended consequences could include the eradication of positive memories."

Boo. BUT! Then there's some good news too [emphasis added]:

It might also help patients overcome phobias, obsessions, eating disorders and even sexual hang-ups.

So, no more positive or negative memories, but no sexual hangups. HMMMMMMM. I think this drug exists, and it's called oh I DON'T KNOW WAIT YES I DO IT'S CALLED ALCOHOL! Until this pill comes out for general consumption sometime after the great Fall of America in 2013 you guys can just erase your memories the old-fashioned way: drunken electro-sex. Happy Valentine's Day e'erybody.

1 comment:

Breukellen said...

Check out this article. It's a more scientific explanation.

It's a study by researches at the place I work at. I met one of the guys working on this at lunch one day, and when he told me about it, I of course said "Like Eternal Sunshine!" He laughed and said yes, but for rats.