Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Puritanical Nation Wishes Record-breaking Athlete Would Get Life Together

Man-dolphin Michael Phelps is the most accomplished athlete in the history of the Olympics, but because we are a nation of idiotic children he is at the center OF A DRUG SCANDAL! Oh my god, check it out. The most disciplined man who has ever been alive, as evidenced by his unprecedented 28,036 gold medal wins, took a hit from a bong to relax, or, more likely, to increase his appetite so he could consume 5,000 more twinkee calories, and now he's going to lose all his endorsements and fins to poachers.

The TV and newspapers have been up in arms about this national disgrace, all pretending like no one in TV production or who works for a paper has ever even SEEN a bong, much less taken a hit of the green devil weed. Why does everyone with a public forum pretend like this is so bad? Jesus Christ, the man won a million gold medals! He hasn't taken a vacation day since he was six. Let the fish relax and get out of the public spotlight. And if smoking weed keeps him from appearing on SNL again, everybody wins.

1 comment:

Breukellen said...

Amen.

(I can tell you are really passionate about this. Good job.)