Worst State in Union Maybe Not So Bad

Ted Stevens, most corrupt man alive, was recently found guilty of being a slightly worse than average politician and now he can't serve his country anymore because he's a felon. In what shouldn't have been a surprising move, Alaska is going rogue and doing it's damnedest to reelect him anyway. And he was winning for a while. But now that they are actually counting all the votes, he is losing.

If you don't remember, Ted Stevens famously described the internet as "a series of tubes," and, "not a big truck." This caused the internet to explode with laughter and youtube videos, the best of which is posted below. But be warned, don't watch this unless you want to smile and dance, two things that Ted the Felon will never get to do again. Why? Tubes! The internet--is tubes!

MadTV No More

Show's done. Too bad, I suppose. The thing is, on any given comedy show, even if it's not that great, there's probably an amazing amount of talent in the room. There are some very funny people on this show, but all in all, not a huge surprise.

Lara Logan Now Embedded In Husband

Lara Logan, crusading journalist and damn sexy lady, was married a few weeks ago, CBS news is reporting. This is horrible news for ComedyandPolitics, as we find her to be the only woman with whom a long-term relationship is even remotely possible.

Logan is known equally well for both her tenacious war-time reporting and her tenacious war-time sexing. Two years after she split from her first husband, she started getting it on with CNN correspondent Michael Ware, because war is hell and we all have needs. For some reason people were surprised that two adults surrounded by death and destruction would try to find solace and comfort (or just pure blissful distraction) with another person.

Well, that relationship didn't work out, just like the one in Speed, I think, but now she's married to some defense contractor, which sounds kind of shitty. I don't feel like researching him, but if he's a defense contractor I'm just gonna go ahead and condemn him and ask, "Lara, what are you thinking!" Here are some highlights of this reporter in action.

Here she is on CNN defending her coverage of the war, after being asked the ridiculous question "You've been accused of spreading the terrorist's message..." This interview is from 2 and a half years ago, but it really feels like a different era.


Here she is on the Daily Show saying she'd blow her brains out if she watched American News. I know how she feels.


And here she is interviewing Erik Prince, the evilest man alive. He is awful. How can she marry a defense contractor? This is a great interview, if only for the footage of the Blackwater compound.

Congressman Sabertooth Makes the World So Much Better

Barney Frank is a gay East Coast liberal who wants to legalize marijuana, so he's pretty much a walking nightmare for Bill O'Reilly. Somehow, though, the two are destined to be together.

Frank was on on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, the awesome NPR funny quiz show. They make him answer questions about Bill O'Reilly and he's very funny! Here's the link.

And here's O'Reilly screaming at Frank because that's why he gets paid the big bucks.

I Can't Stop Giggling

Via Gawker.

Man Sues God. God Pulls Strings. God Walks Free.

The world is a very confusing place, which is why this sad man sued God. He was clearly so lost in this big ol' world that his mind decided to go away for a while and allow his body to file a lawsuit against an imaginary being. The child-like alliteration is the saddest part.

In September 2007, former state Sen. Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit against God in Nebraska's 4th Judicial District Court. Chambers, a political independent who served in the Legislature for 38 years before retiring in April, sought "a permanent injunction" to "cease harmful activities," claiming the defendant caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, [and] devastating droughts … resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions."

Palin Obsessed With Kicking In Half-Open Doors

Sarah Palin is a simpleminded lady from Alaska who John McCain made famous because he needed a miracle, and now she will keep talking at us for the rest of our lives. We should hold this against John McCain. There is seriously no escape from this awful awful lady. You aren't even safe in your own house, especially if the door a a bit ajar, because Sarah Palin is mysteriously obsessed with kicking in doors. This quote describes her plan for a coup in 2012:

"Putting my life in my creator's hands -- this is what I always do," she said. "I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door ... And if there is an open door in '12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I'll plow through that door."

She is so so bad. More door plowing here.

UPDATE: via Tempy

Modest Economic News

The three bullet points on the New York Times' homepage today under "More Economic News" read like this:

-Circuit City Files for Bankruptcy
-Fannie Mae Loses $29 Billion
-Markets Swing Lower

Modest Mouse invented the concept of schadenfruede with their album Good News for People Who Like Bad News, and since the world is a very confusing place, here they are with Kidz Bop dubbed over them.

Goddamn this is funny.

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

UPDATE: And now here's this. The Times reports that gun ownership is surging. This nugget is really wonderful.

“He’s a gun-snatcher,” said Jim Pruett, owner of Jim Pruett’s Guns and Ammo in northwest Houston, which was packed with shoppers on Thursday.

“He wants to take our guns from us and create a socialist society policed by his own police force,” added Mr. Pruett, a former radio personality, of President-elect Barack Obama.

Mr. Pruett obviously favors mob/vigilante style justice, and really, who can blame him.

Franken is Close

He's down by 239 votes. Should be a recount on the way.

Economists and Anarchists Can Find Common Ground

I love that economists argue that voting is irrational, because it's statistically very unlikely that your individual vote will make any difference at all. They're right! I also love that some of my anarchist friends don't vote because on a historical level, US domestic and foreign policy doesn't change all that much, and for anything resembling a better world to emerge, we must fundamentally alter what we have now. They're right too!

Here's Tyler Cowen, over at the wonderful (if confusing, b/c I'm stupid) Marginal Revolution. He doesn't take the traditional economist position.

Most of what you do is for expressive value anyway, so you shouldn't feel guilty about voting, if indeed you vote. The people who think they are being instrumentally rational by not voting are probably deceiving themselves more. They are actually engaged in an even less transparent form of expressive behavior (protest against the voting system) and yet cloaking that behavior under the guise of instrumental rationality. The best arguments against voting are simply if you either don't like voting or if you don't know which candidate is better. High-status people hardly ever offer the latter justification, even though the split of opinions among high-status people suggests that not all high-status people can in fact know which candidate is better.

In other words, both voting and not voting are motivated by the thought that you are better than other people. I am glad that we have an entire day devoted to this very important concept.

Reading the News is Hilarious Now

This ABCNews article is a goldmine! So much hatred between Old Man Time and the Winking Fool. The totally hated each other, and still do, and probably will forever. Remember Reagan's 11th commandment, "thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republicans"? McCain and Palin and everyone who works for them is breaking that law and now they're going to hell. Here's some of the gems.

Some stupid aide attempting to brush all this controversy aside said this,

The adviser said McCain and Palin talked at least once a day. He also said McCain frequently joked about how large Palin's crowds were compared to his.

You know when McCain made those "jokes," in his brain he was saying, "say crowds, not boobs, say crowds, not boobs, say crowds, not boobs."

Then there's this quote, which really captures Palin in all her awful, viscious glory. An aide describes how they each left McCain's concession speech,

McCain drove himself home in a Toyota sport utility vehicle. Palin's departure was a grander event. She left with an entourage of 18 family members and friends and a Secret Service detail, heading to the airport in a motorcade stretching more than a dozen vehicles, flanked by a dozen more cops on motorcycles.

God she is awful. There is only one person in the world left defending her, some no name "longtime staffer" named Meg Stapleton. Meg is the only person alive worse than Sarah Palin. She goes by "Meg" too, which means she winks all the goddamn time. This is what she said about Palin's big shopping spree, and how it wasn't her fault,

Palin even saw a price tag of $3,500 on one suit jacket and said she didn't want to wear it, Stapleton said -- but she was told to wear it anyway.

Ha! She would obviously make a good president, by Meg's logic, because she is easily manipulated into doing things she doesn't want to do. Way to go Meg! (wink)

And lastly, here is Palin in her own words, finally saying something halfway intelligent,

"I don't think anybody should give Sarah Palin that much credit..."

Remember...her words. She's speaking in the 3rd person. She went on to say, "Sarah Palin is just gonna work hard in the off season, believe in God, and come back ready to do what Sarah Palin has to do to get some points on the board."

At Least He Has Good Taste In Movies

Apparently all that threatening to kill Bill Clinton's enemies Rahm is so famous for now was a pretty good cultural reference. (via Sullivan)

Chuck Norris Endorsed Prop 8

Yep, he's a dipshit.

Newsweek Has the Inside Scoop

Here's a funny thing Mr. President said before he became King.

The debates unnerved both candidates. When he was preparing for them during the Democratic primaries, Obama was recorded saying, "I don't consider this to be a good format for me, which makes me more cautious. I often find myself trapped by the questions and thinking to myself, 'You know, this is a stupid question, but let me … answer it.' So when Brian Williams is asking me about what's a personal thing that you've done [that's green], and I say, you know, 'Well, I planted a bunch of trees.' And he says, 'I'm talking about personal.' What I'm thinking in my head is, 'Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I f---ing changed light bulbs in my house. It's because of something collective'."

Obama apparently hates vapid sound bites as much as we do. Also, via Alex Balk, here's two funny insidery stories from the campaign.

Staffers were trying to work, sort of, and ignore the sounds coming from the office of communications director Howard Wolfson. “He’s going to ruin this f–––ing campaign!” shouted Phil Singer, Wolfson’s deputy. No one was quite sure who “he” was, but most assumed it was Penn, the chief strategist who was in more or less constant conflict with Hillary’s other top advisers. Wolfson said something indistinct in response, and Singer cut loose, “F––– you, Howard,” and stormed out of his office. Policy director Neera Tanden had the misfortune of standing in his path. “F––– you, too!” screamed Singer. “F––– you,” Tanden started. “And the whole f–––ing cabal,” Singer, now standing on a chair, shouted loudly enough to be heard by the entire war room. “I’m done.” Within a week or two Singer was back, still steaming and swearing. “If the house is on fire, would you rather have a psychotic fireman or no fireman at all?” Wolfson explained to Williams.

Obama was not one to cast blame, at least not too obviously or too loudly. After his campaign spent $20 million to win Texas and still lost, he ran through a list of mistakes with his staff, not laying any blame on anyone in particular. He stood up to leave, and as he walked out of the conference room of campaign headquarters on Michigan Avenue, he turned around and said, “I’m not yelling at you guys.” He took another few steps and turned around again and said, “Of course, after blowing through $20 million in a couple of weeks, I could yell at you. But …” He paused. “I’m not yelling at you.” He laughed and walked out the door.

Robert Gibbs to Give Positive Spin on Rahm Emanuel's Inevitable Murders

Now that Barack Obama can tell everyone in the world what to do, expect some major changes. The first change is that his cabinet might be awesome. I wrote about crazy knife-wielding Chicago politico Rahm Emanuel yesterday, and now it appears that another cabinet position is being talked about.

Politico is reporting that Robert Gibbs will be the next person to lie to the press for money. Hopefully he won't be as bad as slimy Ari Fliecher, doughy Scott McClellen, bad dude (who died, so maybe no joke here I guess?) Tony Snow, or empty vessel Dana Perino. He almost certainly will be better than all of them, but who knows.

There's a good video of Gibbs handing Sean Hannity's ass to him on a platter, but the one below is good too. Nice jab about being surprised that Palin reads the Times.

The Foibles of Sarah Palin

She didn't know Africa was a continent. Oopsie daisy.

The Rotting Strip

I found this video a few days ago and have been meaning to post it. So much politics, now let's have something with heart. I saw a folk band a while ago and it made me remember how sweet this song is. I prefer the album version, but here's the solo acustic version, which is still really good.

Rahm Emanuel Apparently is a Dick...but Maybe That's Good...?

MSNBC is reporting that Rahm Emanuel has accepted the position of White House Chief of Staff, and will be sworn in with Obama in January.

From what I can gather, this means that Obama is going to be a mean ol' sonofagun once he gets into the White House. This bi-partisan talk might just be nice window dressing, which would be positive development. Emanuel has championed some shit policies, but if he's the vicious brawler that people are saying, we might see some progressive issues take shape.

Here's how some of the blogosphere is reacting.

Jane Hamsher, writing in The Nation (which is awesome today):
[Emanuel's appointment] will be an instant sign that all the bipartisan talk is just that--talk--and signal that Obama intends to work solely within the Democratic caucus to achieve his objectives. The Republicans would be welcome to tag along if they like...but Rahm doesn't do "bipartisan"--which I've always sort of liked about him.

John Nichols, also in The Nation:
Emanuel's strengths have been well-documented: He knows his way around Washington, on the executive and legislative ends of Pennsylvania Avenue. He is a savvy political player, with a reputation for getting things done and for defending his boss against all comers.

Unfortunately, Emanuel is a militant advocate for free-trade policies; he was a point man in the White House in the fight to pass the North American Free Trade Agreement and similar deals that have been passionately opposed by the very labor, environmental and farm groups that were essential players in electing Obama.

Alex Pareene, writing in Gawker:
The Emanuel selection demonstrates that unlike Clinton in 1992, Obama is not fucking around.

The Chief of Staff runs the White House internally, and this is a signal that Obama's transition will not be beset with the public infighting and embarrassing selections of the Clinton takeover. Emanuel is perfect for the role, because it's not a particularly public one, and Emanuel is a dirty-mouthed vicious partisan.

And Alex Koppelman, in Salon:
Emanuel brings quite a reputation with him. Known as "Rahmbo," the former Clinton administration official is legendary for being a no-holds-barred political operative. In a 2005 article for Rolling Stone, Joshua Green related this famous tale:

The night after Clinton was elected, Emanuel was so angry at the president's enemies that he stood up at a celebratory dinner with colleagues from the campaign, grabbed a steak knife and began rattling off a list of betrayers, shouting "Dead! ... Dead! ... Dead!" and plunging the knife into the table after every name. "When he was done, the table looked like a lunar landscape," one campaign veteran recalls. "It was like something out of The Godfather. But that's Rahm for you."

The Nation's Take

Fantastic article by Katrina Vanden Huevel. Please read in full, as this was essentially what I was trying to say all last night, and for the past several weeks. Here is one of the key paragraphs.

"Already we hear calls that the new Democratic majority must not "overreach." That is code for "do not use your mandate." Ignore those calls--- this election was a referendum on conservatism that has guided American politics since 1980. Indeed, future historians may well view Barack Obama's victory as the end of the age of Reagan and the beginning of something substantially new. And progressives can justifiably claim that the election outcome was a clear repudiation of conservative economic ideas and absurd claims that a more egalitarian approach to growth constitutes "socialism." This ideological rejection, the sharp failures of the Bush Administration and, perhaps most important, the shifts in public views on the economy and the war have led to this watershed moment--a historic opportunity for a progressive governing agenda and a mandate for bold action."