Everybody knows that Florida is full of idiots, so this latest confirmation should come as no surprise. Here's what happened. Republican Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen knows she's a loser who no one important would ever call, so when President of the United States-elect Barack Obama DID call her, she hung up on him. The AP quotes her as saying:
“I thought it was one of the radio stations in South Florida playing an incredible, elaborate, terrific prank on me,” Ros-Lehtinen told the newspaper. “They got Fidel Castro to go along. They’ve gotten Hugo Chavez and others to fall for their tricks. I said, ‘Oh, no, I won’t be punked.’”
She's too smart for all that. Also, it was totally an accident that she she lumped in Obama with Castro and Chavez. "You know who else is a person is Hitler." After a minute of talking to the soon-to-be most powerful person in the world, Ros was like, "ok, I'm done now goodbye Ashton," and hung up. Obama didn't care for this, so he sicked knife-murderer Rahm Emmanuel on her. Apparently this woman has a death wish, because she hung up on Rahmstein too. Cartoon steam came out of his ears, and then he took Air Force One to Florida and shoved a telephone receiver up her ass, yelling "you'll take THIS call!" We were there and it was pretty funny.
Oh sweet Saxby Chambliss. This blog really tied one on last night. Posting today may be a bit disjointed, but we'll get through this together. Maybe the news will be funny on it's own.
Sound Fix last night was really really fun. Comedy Free Williamsburg was a success from start to finish, and Totally JK was, as always, a very funny show. Kurt and Kristen were on JK last night working out some new-ish material. Watching them is always great, and the clip below is really the best way ever to start your day.
Found this on Wonkette. It is sublime. As the always wonderful Sara K. Smith writes:
Who better to promote a heart-warming comedy show than a man with a funereal demeanor and the beady, coal-black eyes of a dead shark? Nobody! Please watch Make ‘Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America, lest Jim Lehrer be forced to make your faucets run with blood while he sings to you, from the sewer, wearing a clown costume.
Because the world is totally perfect right now and not everything ever is going completely to hell, some people are bored and are making up problems they don't even have to. From the NY Times:
WHEATON, ILL. — Conservatives disaffected from the Episcopal Church are expected to declare on Wednesday that they are founding their own rival Anglican province in North America, the biggest challenge yet to the authority of the church in a five-year battle over the ordination of an openly gay bishop.
Yay, this must be a signal that everything is going back to normal and it's time to start flipping beach condos again, because no one in their right mind would give two good god damns about some gay dude believing in fairy tales unless the world were perfect.
We guess this means that the credit crunch is over and banks are lending money to idiots again. Idiots like people who go to church and hate gayz. These idiots must not be worried about getting loans for their kids to go to college and turn into better people than they are, because, again, if that were even a possibility, devoting time and effort into caring about someone else's sex life wouldn't make any sense at all.
This is the only time in the history of the world that wacky-babble (religion) has been a sign of things getting better. ComedyandPolitics is thrilled with this new development.
Just got this e-mail. No jokes, because this sounds like a pretty sweet event. It's called Carrotmob. Here's the info from the release:
Started earlier this year in San Francisco, Carrotmob is a community event that brings shoppers and stores together to help businesses go greener. The event operates as a reverse boycott, where shoppers spend money at specific businesses who have committed to spend a percentage of the day's proceeds on improving the store's energy efficiency in lighting, heating, cooling, refrigeration, etc.
The first New York City event will be right here in the Slope at Tarzian Hardware, a family-owned hardware store located at 193 7th Avenue (between 2nd and 3rd Street). ... Twenty-two cents of every dollar spent at Tarzian on this day will be used to make improvements to the store. Get what you need, or pick up a few things for local NYC charities who will be on hand to accept donations. As a service to Carrotmobbers, Tarzian will also be educating shoppers on greener options for Christmas decorating and easy energy improvements that can be made in homes and apartments.
The Carrotmob model has already been successful in San Francisco, Kansas City, and Bristol, England, and the CarrotmobNYC team is excited to bring it to Brooklyn. Each event is unique to the community hosting it -- the Park Slope event will be focused on family holiday fun.
Go here for more info. And just for good measure...castration. Nut-ball castration. Together We Achieve More.
Jesse Jackson once hilariously claimed he wanted to "cut [Obama's] nuts off." Then Bobby Jindal upped the ante by making it the law that he gets to cut everyone's nuts off, including Obama's probably. Then Jesse Jackson Jr. came along and said, "Hey guys, I think everybody's nuts are actually just fine right where they are. Yeah? Ok, cool. Oh also can I have Barack Obama's Senate seat btw?"
He said all that in reality to Rod Blagojevich, the Gov. of Illinois whose last name is Serbian (not Polish, like we assumed) for "beautiful sound." Haha other people's last names are funny. Then Blagy sort of repeated that to some lady named Lynn Sweet. She wrote this:
Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.) is waging an overt drive. I asked Blagojevich what he thought of Jackson's public campaign.
Blagojevich offered a response I took as lukewarm, but I may be reading too much into his measured comments.
"He's got a right to do it," Blagojevich said, "and he obviously believes in himself as a candidate for the United States Senate and his public campaign is, you know, something he obviously believes appropriate and helpful, and all power to him."
Also, Obama was the only black senator, and now he's the only black president. Let's get some more black people in the Senate, so we say appoint both Jesse Jacksons to Obama's seat and let's get loose.
Politico is reporting that Jeb and Flow Bush is considering running for the US Senate in 2010 in Florida. Normally we wouldn't pass this along, because it's boring and who cares what Jeb and Flow says anyway, but there was this one little gem in the article:
Bush said conservatives should “do the math of the new demographics of the United States,” explaining that the Republican Party “can’t be anti-Hispanic, anti-young person — anti many things — and be surprised when we don’t win elections.”
Bush continued, "look, we all want to be anti-Hispanic, anti-young person, anti-black, anti-woman, totally anti-gay (that's a slam dunk right there), anti-Asian, anti-Hispanic, anti-gay, and anti-poor. Of course we want that. Look at those people. They make me sick. They're not like us. Frankly I'm terrified of them. All of 'em. Each one more than the last, to be perfectly frank. Scared to goddamn death. Keeps ol' Jeb up at night. But I need at least some of those monsters to vote for me, so I should probaly keep my mouth shut. May have said to much already."
Georgia Douchebag Saxby Chambliss, a man whose name alone should get him a Dubuque neck-forking, defeated Democratic challenger Jim Martin, a bunch of idiots are reporting. That's Martin pictured above, with Ludacris, T.I., and Young Jeezy, all of whom campaigned for him. Although Martin lost, we can all be sure that his failure party was way more ballin' than Saxby's victory party, which was just him groping his granddaughter and his wife filming him dribbling out some pee on a picture of triple amputee Max Cleland.
What does this mean for you, the common bean eater? It means your precious Democrats can't override filibusters, so all hope is lost. Without the magic number 60, the Senate can't grant Barack Obama his 3 wishes for anyting in the world (except a wish for infinite wishes) and Princess Michelle will never be saved from the castle. Which is all to say: this country will be brought to it's knees by a man named Saxby. Shudder.
Over in Minnesota, Al Franken still hasn't given up hope. Boy Wonder Nate Silver keeps changing his mind about how many dozens of votes Franken will win or lose by, but now he says maybe he'll win. Other than your own flesh-and-blood father, Nate Silver is the only man in your life worth listening to, so pay attention over the next few weeks. This recount is far from over because God hates us.
This blog gets into music years after everyone else, so we just found our new favorite song that maybe everyone knows about already. Since we're all about comedy here, and also no one has any money, we think this lyric is fantastic:
"...I'll get money, I'll get funny again."
Here's a version of The National's Start a War from La Blogotheque, which is a great series of live shows.
Little Green Footballs is one of those corners of the Internet that you wander down for cheap thrills once in a while, but your journey never leaves you as unscathed as you would hope. Today is no exception, as we stumbled upon this nugget.
The GOP has nothing left now, so they will grasp at anything in the world, especially their own "version" of Barack Obama. He comes in the form of Bobby Jindal, Gov. of Louisiana, an Indian American who is as wacky as they come. With a headline that reads "Bobby Jindal: Political Meteor or Meteorite," LGF asks the stupid, stupid question, "Is Bobby Jindal the next Barack Obama?" The answer, unquestionably, is no. No he's not. You want to know why? Because this is text from an actual bill he signed into law.
SB 144 by Senators Nick Gautreaux, Amedee, Dorsey, Duplessis and Mount provides that on a first conviction of aggravated rape, forcible rape, second degree sexual battery, aggravated incest, molestation of a juvenile when the victim is under the age of 13, or an aggravated crime against nature, the court may sentence the offender to undergo chemical castration. On a second conviction of the above listed crimes, the court is required to sentence the offender to undergo chemical castration
. That's right folks, human castration! Now, falling all over each other to express more outrage than anyone else about how awful these sex crimes are is ridiculous. They're awful, we all know this. However...human castration? For starters, it's unconstitutional. Second of all, it's ineffective.
And then there's this. Because, honestly, now that you don't have a house or a job, who doesn't love a culture warrior?
But social conservatives like what they have heard about the public and private Jindal: his steadfast opposition to abortion without exceptions; his disapproval of embryonic stem cell research; his and his wife Supriya’s decision in 1997 to enter into a Louisiana covenant marriage that prohibits no-fault divorce in the state; and his decision in June to sign into law the Louisiana Science Education Act, a bill heartily supported by creationists that permits public school teachers to educate students about both the theory of “scientific design” and criticisms of Darwinian evolutionary concepts.
Little Green Footballs should never be looked at by anyone. It is horrible. And they site love a horrible man, Bobby Jindal. Bobby, I'll take those ballz now please, Jindal.
Alex over at Marginal Revolution warns us about the next financial crisis. Always more good news every day. He says that not only are Social Security and Medicare underfunded, but also that, "state governments have vastly underfunded public pensions." He quotes this section from the recent NBER paper:
We conservatively predict a 50% chance of aggregate underfunding greater than $750 billion and a 25% chance of at least $1.75 trillion (in 2005 dollars). Adjusting for risk, the true intergenerational transfer is substantially larger. Insuring both taxpayers against funding deficits and plan participants against benefit reductions would cost almost $2 trillion today, even though governments portray state pensions as almost fully funded.[emphasis his]
So some of our healthiest institutions need $2 trillion to continue to function at the most basic of levels. Tip your mail-carriers, folks.
Sarah Palin, the moose-rogue who almost ruined the country, is now trying to ruin her home state in a new way. A few weeks ago, when it looked like Sen. Tubes Stevens was going to be reelected, but wouldn't be able to serve because he's going to the prison, Mrs. Moose was like, "oooo pick me, pick me." Then she realized she'd be the one doing the picking, and was like, "Washin'ton, here I come! Pow pow!"
Sen. Tubes lost to Mark Begich after he was saved from a well, so that dashed Palin's dreams forever. But actually only for a few weeks, because she is a terminator-like killing machine who will murder indiscriminately. Which is to say, she's running for public office again maybe!
Politico is reporting that Palin might be gunning for a fellow Republican's Senate seat that's up for grabs in 2010. The Republican in question is Lisa Murkowski. This is the accompanying photo from Politico, and also the most unflattering picture of all time.
It's as though she's saying, "Hope in one hand, shit in another. Whatever distracts you from my face." Ahem. The plot thickens, because Palin won the governorship from Murkowski's father. Now, Murkowski is saying, "stay away from my Senate seat you whore, you killed my father" and Palin's sayin', "Now, look, if I'm gonna be wantin' it, I'm gonna be takin' it, bitch, and I didn't kill yer daddy, I tried to screw him but he couldn't even get it up for me."
Ahem again.
Does this remind anyone else of the song Jolene? Just change "man" to "Senate seat" and it works perfectly.
"Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene Im begging of you please dont take my man Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene Please dont take him just because you can Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of auburn hair With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain And I cannot compete with you, jolene"
We wrote yesterday about the report from the National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) that told everybody that we had been in a recession for a year, and nothing was ever going to get better. Turns out we were wrong about all that hogwash. A comment was posted on the original piece that cleared up this woeful misunderstanding, and it is reprinted in full right here:
In a recession, it isn't always bad. Most people don't realize how much money there is out there. During economic times like this, there is more money to be had than ever. Because of the bailouts and economy, lenders are bending over backwards to bail you out too. Believe it or not, there is people getting tons of cheap money nowdays to start businesses, buy homes, pay off debt, and more.
Feel better guys?! This blog does. Why, this comment solves all our problems. Nevermind the bad grammar and vague, unsubstantiated claims. All that matters is, "there is people getting tons of money nowdays." Is I one of those people? Couldz I'z beez? ComedyzandPoliticz wantz moneyz nowz.
Ok. The robot (or simpleminded human) who posted this has links to several blogs on its blogger profile. Some seem like scams, but this one (don't follow the link, it doesn't deserve the traffic) has GOT to be legit. The site's purpose is to help all you poor saps buy beach condos, and presumably sell them later at a higher price. You know, house-flipping! A risk-free investment! It begins:
Do you want to buy a beach condo? Right now is the best time to buy a beach condo because the depressed real estate market has left hundreds of empty buildings with vacancy waiting to be filled. They will take anything![ed: That's awesome!] Most people never offer, and in today's economy it's easy to bargain. ... Buying beach condos is very simple process. Fly to your choice destination, and see a local Realtor. It's that simple. If your rich. For the rest of us, we must research on the internet.
Too true, too true. If this blog becomes a tool for our few friends to find some great investment ideas, it will all be worth it.
From the Telegraph UK. The article leads with this description of a modest goal:
The US Army and Navy have both hired experts in the ethics of building machines to prevent the creation of an amoral Terminator-style killing machine that murders indiscriminately.
Indeed. This terminology sounded familiar, and a quick look through the ComedyandPolitics archives revealed this post, from July 2007, where we wrote:
Douglas Macgregor, a former Army colonel, said today that under Donald Rumsfeld the Special Ops was turned into a "giant killing machine." Macgregor expects we'll see changes with Rummy's departure and a new head of Special Ops. One of the changes, Macgregor said, was that in the future, "The emphasis will be on, 'If you have to kill someone, then for God's sakes, kill the right people [emphasis added]."'
That really seems like it should go without saying.
Rummy: Men, go out there and get the job done. Spec Op: Who is our target, sir? Rummy: Just start shootin'. Bang bang. Spec Op: Shouldn't we try to kill the right people? Rummy: Say again? Spec Op: The right people, sir. Isn't that who we should try to kill? Rummy: Look, I created a "giant killing machine." What about that don't you understand?
Still, though, on the whole, great news that the Military is trying its damnedest to avoid that. Tweet us on how that works out.
The text in red says, "Is Barack Obama the Antichrist?"
via Sullivan and Digby. According to Digby, this is a screenshot from a website for Bill Handel, a morning radio dj who comes on right before Rush Limbaugh. Here's Bill e-mail address if you're feeling frisky.
This blog has really only been regularly updated for a little bit now, so we thought we'd post some traffic numbers from November according to AdSense. These numbers are not unique views, so they give an inflated sense of how many people are reading this, but here they are anyway, because this blog needs all the inflation it can get.
Most page impressions in one day: Friday, Nov. 21 with 82 impressions.
Average page impressions over the month of Nov.: 37 per day (the weekends are slow)
Total page impressions for Nov.: 963
Total turd in a punchbowl references: Not sure. At least 9, counting that one.
Thanks guys, and keep reading, reposting, linking, etc.
Your reward is this video, deliciously titled "Pinata Accidents."
That's right you bean-eating slobs. We've been in a recession for a year! From Calculated Risk:
The National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) has decided economic activity peaked last year and that December 2007 marks the beginning of the current U.S. recession. That means all my charts (with the recession starting in Dec '07) are correct.
Haha, yay, great. Then there's this rosy post from Salon's Andrew Leonard titled, "The Month the Economy Died" (heh):
October continues to solidify its reputation as the month the U.S. economy dropped dead in its tracks. On Monday, the Commerce Department reported that construction spending declined by 1.2 percent in October. (The Associated Press describes the drop as "larger-than-expected" -- a formulation that it is beginning to sound a little silly when applied to economic data from October.)
Let's see, what else happened in October? Manufacturing activity fell to a 26-year-low, sales of new homes dropped by 5.3 percent, sales of existing homes dropped by 3.1 percent, residential housing construction fell by 3.5 percent, and non-residential construction dropped by .7 percent. Moral of the story? The housing sector has yet to reach rock-bottom.
And in an entirely related piece of news, the Dow Jones Industrial Average had fallen 377 points by 11:45 EST. Call it "rational non-exuberance." The more data we get, the more clear it is just how far off the rails the U.S. economy went in October.
Ok, great, yay, oh no this will never end will it? What should we do to stop it? Well, Paul Krugman linked to this article, about some sleazybag economist who started shit-talkin' his country and now he's in for a hurtin':
Now free after two days of questioning, Mr. Smirnovs hasn't been charged. But he is still under investigation for bad-mouthing the stability of Latvia's banks and the national currency, the lat. Investigators suspect him of spreading "untruthful information." They've ordered him not to leave the country and seized his computer.
He gets what he deserves for being a filthy pessimist. We must Hope! Also, who can give banjo lessons for when the free radio is too expensive?
Everything changed after Barack Obama got elected, except for one thing. We are still a country of sales-crazed rabid dogs unwilling to stop short of anything, including murder, to get the 15% we deserve because freedom isn't free.
Cyber Monday, which is today for you Ad Busters jerks who don't buy shit, will result in an 85-year-old Chicago man being crushed by a computer that was hurled from a window following an unsucessful ebay auction. It will then be termed "New Independence Day" and the fireworks that every city shoots off next year will bankrupt our country even more.
The New York Times today published yet another article about the changing face of journalism and the decentralization of news gathering [h/t Jesse]. We wrote about those topics here. Today's article provides more evidence that in the future, news will be created, shared, and reported as it happens by bloggers, so-called "citizen journalists" (blah), amateur photographers, and your jackass neighbor with a twitter account. From the article:
When gunmen started spraying Mumbai with bullets and seizing the city's landmarks, countless people around the globe turned not to the television or the radio for news, but to each other.
Blogs and social networking sites like Twitter and Flickr buzzed with eyewitness accounts from India's financial capital, providing some of the first photos of the besieged targets and serving as a forum for pleas for updates on friends and family...
The lightning-quick updates of the attacks that killed 174 people read like a sketchy but urgent blow-by-blow account of the siege, providing further evidence of a sea change in how people gather their information in an increasingly Internet-savvy world.
The article goes on to say that although the information was instantaneous and often from first-hand sources, some of the information was wrong. Oh boo hoo. NY Times, it seems we've forgotten about Judy Miller, your disgraced journalist who went to jail to protect Karl Rove's right to disseminate false information.
If you're reading your news from a twitter account, you should to be going into it with some skepticism. Candygirl101 might be near the Mumbai blasts, but she might be talking some bullshit. If, however, Candygirl101 has some photos to back up her story, she might be worth listening to. Judy Miller, on the other hand, had access to the highest reaches of power in our government, and she should never be listened to again.
In the event that anything important ever happens near this blog, we've added a "follow me on Twitter" do-dad at the top. Now you can know what's for lunch, or if something horrible happens in Midtown!
