Our good friend Jared once described CNN as "a big goofball network." Never (ok maybe usually) has this been on display more that this morning. As we all know, things are looking pretty bad.
But it's not all bad news! Some of it is sexxxy news.
Thanks, CNN. How your editors strike the perfect balance of mediocre analysis and irrelevant trivia we'll never know.
CNN does have a point, though. For those of you common bean eaters who are attractive enough to get sex for free, or relatively cheaply, that will become your only affordable source of entertainment. You will live like filthy zoo animals and you will love it. Those of you who are less attractive will be forced to steam Wednesday night's Victoria Secret show on your sad sad laptop, which you can also do from CNN, but we're not going to link to that because of dayjob HR policies.