Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Step It Up Gentlemen, Lesbians

CNN barely qualifies as a news channel, so their daily dose of irrelevant bullspit this morning is neither a surprise nor a disappointment. It seems like every few weeks someone or other trots out some new study about sex, or the Internet, or sex and the Internet, or sex with the Internet, or sex adjacent to the Internet. Here is the latest waste of everybody's time, making the absurd claim that women would choose Internet access instead of sex if they had to chose only one.



What that deceptive little bullet leaves out is that this is over a TWO WEEK PERIOD.

"Nearly half of the women questioned by Harris Interactive said they'd be willing to forgo sex for two weeks, rather than give up their Internet access, according to a study released Monday by Intel,"

Two weeks, come on. As George Costanza says in Seinfeld, "I'm like a sexual camel. I can do six weeks standing on my head." If you're gonna do the survey, make it interesting. Ask people to go a year without one or the other, and we bet you'd get a lot of people spending a lot less time on their computer. Hold on one second. We started writing this post and forming opinions before reading the entire study, and now, upon further examination, it appears that the surveyors did ask that very question. Haha, sorry guys. Here's the response!

Results as of Monday from CNET's related online poll showed that 30.5 percent of respondents would give up sex for one year, while 26.1 percent would do without Internet access for a year. Almost 40 percent of voters didn't want to sacrifice either.

Well duh on that last point. But wait wait wait. More people would go without sex than go without the Internet FOR A YEAR?! What in god's name is happening? Are these people having sex properly? Do they know that after sex you feel [Borat voice] "eh vaaary nahice," and after surfing the Internet all day you feel worthless and headachy? Don't get us wrong, ComedyandPolitics loves the Internet, but given the choice between posting four blogs a day in our downtime and [fill in the sexy blank] 4 times a day in our downtime, it's a pretty easy decision.

As the headline of this post implies, one other interpretation of the data is that these women aren't being satisfied by the men or women they are sleeping with. This blog doesn't mean to brag, but we think we can say for the first time ever that we are not part of the problem. Unless it's like a different Seinfeld episode where Jerry says, "you were like Meryl Streep in there!" in which case, keep it to yourself.

Go back and read this entire post in the Borat voice. It will be very fun and satisfying, unlike the bad sex you are apparently all having.

4 comments:

Mo Diggs said...

They need the Internet to find someone else to fuck

John Knefel said...

When you're right, you're right.

Anna said...

Um...the image of you feeling "eh vaaary nahice" after sex is way too funny for work. Also I am going to start reading your blog now.

Breukellen said...

heh.

But in all seriousness, it's about emotional satisfaction. The internet is used to keep in touch with friends and family. If a woman's lover isn't emotionally satisfying her, she will choose what does. Men can't understand this because to them sex is sex and nothing more.

Source: Experience